Thursday, March 01, 2007

Fat people

It's always painful seeing something you can't laugh at. A fat girl just tried to sit down in front of me but missed the chair. Half her ass planted and the rest of her body toppled over and hit the floor like a large steak being thrown on the ground by someone really angry. I wanted to laugh with everything I had, but instead I sat here and acted concerned. For the floor. Just kidding. Maybe some of you would have laughed and that just makes you an asshole. You should really work on your manners.

And I know its a sensitive topic, fat people are hard to tackle (get it? But really, you'd think they're top heavy but they go down like tequila made by a guy named Hector). Obesity kills and philosophically speaking, her fatness isn't even entirely relevant. What does it matter that she was fat? Her fatness doesn't MAKE her. Why couldn't I just say "a chic tried to sit down but missed the chair"? Deep below all the fat she's skinny too. So u know, why I gotta be like dat?

And the answer is: because I'm not fat and I don't believe in Jesus. Although I shouldn't be too proud. I am lucky to have a good set of genes. Everyone agrees that a large part of obesity is genetic. Everyone's metabolism is different and if you're going to blame people for being overweight go ahead and blame skinny people for being skinny. Because we all know at least one person who eats like a lawnmower and still manages to look like a heroine addict. They can't help it either. But then there are fat people who just gave up. And I think they're fair game.

Even though they apparently had to be a bit on the big side to give up in the first place. And then you know, the whole vicious cycle starts. Where they eat because they're fat, blah blah blah. But leading up to that there are precautionary measures to take. Like,

1. Not eating so much.
2. Eating less
3. Lowering caloric intake
4. Lessening eating
5. Eating not so much
6. Not so much, the eating
7. Exercise

And thats about it. With those simple measures, a profound portion of the obese population could be much healthier and better looking. Or at least good enough for above the shoulder photography. Eating well really isn't that hard.

I've trained myself to eat well and its pretty easy. I like it. For starters it keeps me feeling good and secondly it helps me shit. When I eat crappy food my shit reeks and it wants to come out at the most inopportune times. Then I have to shit in public restrooms because I'm hardly ever home, and wipe my ass with abrasive toilet paper that never makes me feel "clean" enough. And nothing disturbs me more than thinking I have an unclean asshole. It scares me of sweating because I feel like any sweat down there might mix in with shit, and trickle down my leg or something. So I eat well and drop one all-encompassing shit in the morning where I can wipe well and go about my day.

So I really don't see what the big deal is. I'm not going to give the whole "if I can do it you can do it" argument, but we only get one body and if you're going to destroy it, and least do it by something a bit more fun than eating like doing drugs. Food is the dumbest thing someone could screw up their body over. It doesn't enhance music, it doesn't make you more sociable, it doesn't give better orgasms or make you want to suck of a pacifier. It's food, it serves a purpose. Get enough of it in your body and go throughout the day.

That being said I still eat like a fatass all the time. What did you think I was some health freak or something? Hey If I don't chew my food does it become time released? Should I just stop chewing, like snakes? Is that how they're so skinny? I dunno, whatever.

So anyways, if you're getting fat. Eat less. Unless it's because of birth control and I direct that towards the ladies. If it is, keep taking it - it shows your man you care. And if you don't have a man then I don't why you're on it, unless you like to play a game called "I'll let you go just the tip. Oops you fell. Repeatedly".