Tuesday, September 26, 2006

kids say the dumbest things

Children are not all that cute. I know this because I have eyes, and they work. Parents of non-cute children do not know this, because if the marriage of Liza Minnelli and David Gest has taught us anything, its that visualizing them actually cures all forms of premature ejaculation. It also taught us that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I work in a grocery store, where children run rampant. I see all types of children - everything from newborns, to the terrible twos, to preschoolers, to fully grown men who wear children-sized clothing with their nipples popping out. It's very much like a zoo.

The reason children are not cute is simple. They are not. Okay, maybe simplicity isn't the best approach. Let me break it down. Have you ever seen a male child pick his butt and smell his hand? Because I have. Have you ever seen a toddler barf on his mom's boobs? I have.

And they were really nice boobs too. The kind that, if you listen closely enough, actually talk to you. This particular pair was in the process of whispering sweet nothings in my ear before their speech became gargled by the massive influx of intestinal backwash that flooded down upon them. I did not masturbate once that day.

Secondly, children are by the very nature, stupid. I can only imagine what goes on in a child's mind when they see something hard, unscented, inedible and think, "hmm maybe I'll try this". Perhaps you can blame the parents for never teaching them that keys have no nutritional value, I blame the kids who find inanimate objects bigger than their esophagus appetizing. I may have eaten leaves when I was little, but that was when I was young and impressionable. I have never done any harder foods, and I swear it.