just be a burrito

There are two very important guidelines as far as writing a good blog goes. The first is to be liked, because anything anyone writes is good (even crap) as long as people like you. The second rule is to be diverse, because people here have ADD.

I've always felt the need to be as diverse as possible. Although its a hard thing to manage. But I can do it because I believe in myself and I've read the Little Engine that Could. So to prove how diverse I can really be, I've decided to write little snippets featuring different attempts at creative writing, followed by a brief explaination of why they are brilliant. I hope you enjoy them. These are the things I can be...

1) I can be a Fiction Writer! - "The Bear" by Gregorio, Senior

"...The man thought he heard a noise but he also thought he did not. He was somewhere deep in the meadow. He took another step but paused, as if paralyzed by some incisive intution that somewhere, hidden betwixt the bushes and roiling clouds of fog, there rest a bear, scratching its ballsack against the treebark..."

(Isn't that shit marvelous? The juxtaposition between the man's fright and the "humanizing" effect of the bear scratching his innocent balls against the treebark leads us to question our conventional outlook towards our furry friends. Are they to be so hated? Do they not scratch their balls too? BOOM, there goes your paradigm.)

2) I can be a Weight Loss Motivator! - "Get up off that Badonkey Dunk and Get into the Funk" by Senior "The Extreme" Gregorio.

"...I won't lie. I too have wished it rained burritoes. Reality check - it rains rain. Get up off that badonkey dunk and get into the funk... When the doctors first told me I was genetically obese, I went home, ate two cans of cookie dough and slashed my wrists open with the lid. I should have died, but the cookie dough slowed my heart rate down just enough to where I didn't bleed that much. If I can have second chances, so can you. Get up off that badonkey dunk and get into the funk..."

(Nothing is more motivational that an "I understand" approach followed by a life example. Wait, I just thought of something more motivational. A catch phrase that uses hip lingo and rhymes, and this is why I'm great.)

3) I can be an ancient philosopher! - "Does?" by Anonymous (Me)

"Does beauty exist, if beauty doth be perceived, inneth our head? Does the bird chirpeth, for thy lover, or for thine own happiness? Does the sphere revolveth around the sun, or do thine sun revolveth around the sphere? Doesn't the word "does" start to looketh funny if one writes it enough?"

(After posing some mindbending inquiries, the author [me] decides to dumb things down by positing something everyone can relate to. "Does" does start to look sorta funny after a while, and that is why this guy [me] is a heavyweight intellectual who also got ancient pussy.)

Okay thats all I got. So as you can see, I'm about as diverse as a burrito with alot of stuff in.... it. Not very good at analogies. But diverse. Spread the word - stop writing shitty blogs and be burritoes.