the place where all the meatheads go

So I've been going to the gym because, you know, my day isn't complete unless I've smelled at least two good hours worth of fermented ass sweat and rubber.

Besides that, I get a kick out of watching people lift. See, gym rats basically fall into two camps. In the first camp, you have the dudes who want to tone up and look good for the summer, like me. Then comes my favorite camp, which would be dudes who were raped by gravity when they were young. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, I don't exactly know how that happens, or if its even possible, but considering how these people lift all day long, it makes Freudian sense. They're spiting gravity for raping them. And of course, the more you spite gravity at the gym, the more you forego your ability to reach certain parts of your body. Which is what I see all the time.

I saw a guy with veins popping out of his ass through spandex shorts. At such a decadent display of ass bulgery, I had to question the point of all of this. Is strength even necessary these days? Here let me answer that for you: no. Is having ass cheeks that could crush a full grown gerbil to death really necessary? Let me answer that too: double no.

This is why I've never understood body building competitions. Unless they plan to juggle cars, nobody is gonna need that much strength. They look disgusting. And never have I woke up and thought to myself, "Gee ya know what, I think I'm gonna see how disproportionate I can make my penis look in comparison to the rest of my body. And while I'm at it, I'm going to smear myself with vasoline, so when I turn around in circles, I can look like a discoball".

I'm gonna start up my own competition. I'm going to get a bunch of dudes to stand on a stage holding up pictures of bears weaving baskets and eating sushi, and when people ask me what the point to this competition is, I'm going to be like, I don't have a fucking clue, and immediately these people will realize my event was a brilliant metaphore for body building competitions. Because never have I seen something so pointless.

Me personally, I don't know what women find attractive in a body. I'm just going to find some middle ground, not too big, not too skinny. I'd heard plenty of women say they prefer a man who is skinny. I do not understand this. Who is to spear lions and carry them home for supper? Skinny man cannot provide for family. But yall don't start looking at me like I'm gonna become some kind of meathead. As soon as I start to show signs of sweat, I'm out of there. Water seeping through my pores is not good. What if the stuff gets in my eye huh? It burns man, it fucking burns.