Masturbation, yeah I said it.

As a form of self-expression, I think self-pleasure is one of the most frequently practiced forms of gratification, yet one of the most disowned human tendancies we've ever known. They say 34 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot ( get it? I just made that up), yet i'd venture to guess that 99 percent of all guys jerk off at least twice a week. And that's me being generous. Masturbation is something of it's own.

The common outlook is that masturbation is a replacement for a lack of sex. This is all so very wrong. Masturbation is a replacement for nothing. Masturbation is an entity in and of itself, and we're lucky for this. I can't tickle my own self, but I can rub one off. Dose that not say something? I bring it up to prove a point - suppose three Swedish women were turned on by my white boy charm an decided to take turns riding on my happy stick. I just banged three swedish chics in one night and I'm super happy. Do you know what this means? This means that when I get home, I'm rubbing yet another one out, just for very good measure.

My point being, masturbation is not something for the sexually deprived. You all probably know this, but I think its such an important point to drive home because it goes to show that self-pleasure is something so natural that our conventional concept of "cause and effect" goes out the window. Masturbation needs no external stimulus.

Masturbation is not for the lonely, it is for humans. And I find it completely hilarious. We live in a world filled with homophobes, yet when it comes to our own junk, we'll stare at it in the mirror, slap it around like a helicopter, and if that shit isn't gay, I don't know what is. I'm sorry, I dare any dude to come out and say they haven't stared at their bejoogles in the mirror and slapped that shit around like it was silly putty. My penis is like Whitney Housten, it takes a beating yet it still gives respect - call that co-dependant, I call it being human.

There is an underlying truth to all this. Our penises are us. Ladies, your vaginas are you. Aside from the organs that keep you alive and working, name one organ that is more important than your reproductive ones? Yeah, I thought so. There is none. So masturbate without guilt or any of the sort.

Just make sure if you're using a dildo, that it isn't the size of a full grown anaconda. Because lets just say that I can't follow that up, so I for damn sure hope you love me for who I am, otherwise we're making babies in a petri dish, because your vagina is just too big girl. Just too big.