Thursday, February 08, 2007

Re: To All Gay Men

The first time I was ever hit on by a gay man, I was flattered. It was a pack of gay men, to be exact. They were standing outside church smoking their Marlboro light 100’s. My face was freshly shaved; my baby soft skin probably spoke of a tight anus. As I passed by, one of them whistled at me and said, “hey”. Actually, it was more of an elongated “hey”. More like a “heeey”.

Since then I have been hit on by many gay men. Women not so much. But gay men, much.

Well, yesterday things hit a new low. As many of you know, I work out. I know gay men like to work out, but I don’t do it because I’m gay. I work out to compensate for my very small penis. Anyways, I’m in the locker room at the gym when I see a dude standing there in his tighty whiteys. I recognize his face. He was the same guy who, just the day before, would not take his eyes off me while I worked out. At the time my first thought was that he was comparing himself to me. (Men at the gym do this to each other all the time; it’s actually a very non-gay thing to do. If men aren’t comparing their muscles to yours at the gym, you have a very long road ahead of you. Hopefully this road has a few cows along the way that you can stop and eat.) But then I realized there was a little bit more going on with his eyes. He was looking at me with gay eyes. I know this, not because I have a “gaydar”, but because I have good intuition. Get it straight. Literally.

Yesterday, as he sees me walking by, he immediately reaches down to adjust his boxers. Now, when men adjust their boxers, we do one of two things. Some reach down with one hand, grab their penis and shove it to the most comfortable side, ie, the left or right leg – or, we simply thumb the edges of our boxers and shake a little. Sometimes we combine these two motions for ultimate comfort. These are simple, common sense procedures, quite possibly genetic.

Instead of doing any of these two things, this guy (who was gay) grabs the elastic of his tighty whiteys, pulls it all the way out, downwards so that his cock flops out into my field of vision, back up again and snaps the elastic back into place – and the entire time he was looking at me.

Now, I don’t mind gay men. I really don’t. But everybody knows the rule that gay people mustn’t impose their gayness on straight people in a way that will make them feel uncomfortable. To this very moment I feel uncomfortable. Now I’m wondering what subtle things exist within me that would have made this guy conclude I’d actually enjoy seeing his cock rocket. Do I need to smoke more so that my voice lowers? Stop shaving? Carry a machete? Grab my cock every now and then and shout, “Feeding time bitches”?

So gay people, I know that I may have small hands…and yes the E channel is set as a favorite on my remote control. But not Bravo. And besides, I have a g-i-r-l-f-r-i-e-n-d. And she has boobs. And I like them. A lot. And I like explosions. And kung-fu. So please, step away from my little boy butt.