Sorry its raining, I'm sad, I had to be serious.

Sex wrote a lovely little post on "facing your demons". I must admit I was pretty giddy after reading the first couple of paragraphs, because Little Sex making a decision to keep herself "in the light" brought back memories of Little Me going through a very similar process.

See, I've never really understood how people could lie to themselves. I remember times as a young altar boy, looking out into the crowd of worshippers and thinking, "how can these people be SO sure?". I guess I didn't understand faith, not many people truly do, and for some odd reason this question really beat me up. It was a thorn in my side until Little Me had a mini revelation. These people simply wanted to believe. Far from profound, but that simple intuitive understanding opened the door to an imaginary classroom in Little Me's head, where the words Life 101 were written across the chalkboard. One of the first lessons I ever learned was to always "unwrap" the candy before I ate it. Little Me was a cute little skeptic!

Now as far as this being a choice of mine, it's hard to distinguish between what is choice and what merely falls on our proverbial plate. But there was never a time that I recall, when I ever made a conscious decision to be in the "know". Instead, I was drawn towards truth, as if it were a motivation in itself. I simply wanted truth over comfort.

So growing up I held in high reverence a long and forgotten skill. The ability to separate logic and emotion. After all, so many times the latter would dictate the former but at least I was now aware. And if i swallowed my pride and held it down long enough, I could look back on my actions and ask myself, "What am I not seeing?", and answer that question before I puked my pride back up and dirtied up the whole ordeal. To me it was simple. As it appeared, the only time anyone was excessively irrational was when they were A) just fucking stupid or B) emotional. Now that I'm older I realized there is a C) Drunk, but lets not go there.

Then I grew even older and realized it wasn't a matter of separating the two, but one of letting them intertwine. It occured to me that many times when I "realized" something, it wasn't that I finally saw something I had never seen before. Yeah I had those moments, but mainly it was a time where I was finally able to see something I had always wanted to see. As if I were able to put some emotional fortitude behind the logic, and in doing so granted myself a newfound clarity. To me this was the difference between merely believing something and knowing it.

And once again, in regards to staying true with myself, I started to understand how sentiment was often the glue that held down what belief lay on wilful grounds, and to sway belief in this sense was not just a task of swaying logic, but one of turning the tides of emotion as well. Telling an alcoholic he was an alcoholic was like trying to knock down a wall with pebbles, even if if presented quite logically in telling, "dude you puked up your spleen last night".

But still my own brain never ceased to amaze me, still hasn't. Specifically its power and my lack of power over it, and especially in its resiliance to the "emotional elements". When people talk of "instincts" and how they relate to us, most tend to think of them as physical survival tactics. We hear a backfire and we jerk our head, we have our fight or flight "mechanism", we get hungry and we eat. I don't believe instinct stops there. I feel as if our brains want to brave the elements and be comfy too. And many times it'll do everything in its power to stay that way, this includes keeping its owner blind. And I think, at least in one respect, that's how people are able to smear their noses in their own crap. Their noggin stays in its comfort zone, builds an emotional dam to keep the harsh realizations at bay, and any opposition in the form of logic is knocked down like King Kong did to all those helicopters. It's a natural reaction. It's a matter of perspective.

But anyways I'm starting to really hate this post. Haha. What a bland piece of ass spew if I've ever written one, I promise I won't post anymore gay lectures as if i knew what i was talking about. But yall catch my drift. I'll go back to my corner now.