A Public Service Anouncement to the Modern Day Leper.

There's alot of nerds out there in Blogland. By "nerds" I am of course using the conventional definition, which implies both one who is fond of the academic persuit, and also looks like Mr. Potato head. There's alot of those. I can personally attest to a surge in the number of nerds occupying Blogland, which indicates a growing trend among the facially and conversationally challenged to branch out into less revealing cyberspace communities, where helium for shriveled egos comes by the truckload, and commentbox smut talk comes cheap. While websites such as "Myspace.com" continue to grow in popularity for the vane, Blogging owes much of it's business to the facially and socially obtuse. This is because unlike with "MySpace.com" and real life, ugly people can come here to escape the burden of their face, so that they too can be beautiful in their very own ways.

So I would like to take this time out to give some advice on how to find your true "inner beauty". Because while nerds may sometimes feel invisible, this is no reason to hang a head down in shame, for nobody's soul is invisible. That being said, if you fit my above description and are reading these here words, I advise you perk up those ears... Yes my friend, I know. You're ears are big and they have freckles.

Hello my ugly friend! I can't say I've felt your pain, but look on the bright side. Based on pure probability, everyone has at least one beautiful body part. Just because it's not your face doesn't make it any less ravishing, or special. Heck, If I had a foot fetish, what does face matter? I'm breaking a sweat just licking various sauces from between a person's toes, marinating those tender little piggies with my saliva of love. See, there's both external and internal beauty in all of us. Direct your readers attention towards it with your prose. Help us focus on your hidden treasures. Because that's what browsing blogland is all about. Digging for that diamond in the rough. By rough I'm of course implying that spastic stream of diarrhea crapped out by everyone who has yet to find their inner jewels, forcing me to wash whatever diamonds I find with soap and water. Find your inner jewels.

It is also my understanding that, for lack of a better term, nerds not post any pictures. It's smart to keep your audience in mind. By "in mind" I'm of course talking about being aware that they have emotions. Don't make any sudden movements or post any focused self-portraits that may startle your reader's senses. Likely so, mentioning cranial misfortunes in your prose is a definate foupat, pardon my french. It makes the reader feel as if some stranger at the busstop was going off about their mom slipping in the shower and breaking her spine, simply because someone asked him, "How's it going?" for the sake of courtesy. Reality isn't always a good thing. You're a nerd, you've faced enough reality as it is, try cultivating your dreams and catering to the dreams of others. Fantasy is an integral part of capturing your audience's imagination. Don't always give your reader the full enchillada, for it might give them the squirts. Nobody is wearing a UPS uniform here, think about the times when it's best not to deliver the entire package.

In essence, don't be afraid to twist the truth. More importantly, know when to leave the truth behind. Take advantage of your medium. In Blogland, you can be superman if you really set your mind to it. Indulge yourself. Title your blog, "In the Phone Booth with Clark Kent" for all anyone really cares. I don't suggest it, but go ahead. You can be as big as your most detatched illusion of grandeur, or as small as your most undeserved negative thought. What's reality, afterall? There's no logic police in your head. There's nothing stopping you from believing things about yourself on a purely emotional level. Who cares if all the seniors throw their half-eaten yogurt at you during break, keep your head up and let them cover you in Yoplait. Now you're just a motherfucking badass covered in Yoplait.

You're not ugly, you're not a nerd, you're neither a plane nor a bird. You're superman... and you look good in spandex. Now let's see that buldge in your red skivvies. Aww yeah. Now lemme get get a profile on it. Lookin good. You know you can do more than just pee with that thing. Claws up, claws up, lemme see those claws. Grr, that's right. Go get em tiger.