Got Laid?

I'm a man with many pet peeves. People definately top my list, and then there's the things people do that form little subdivisions of smoldering anger. For example, people who talk about their dreams. What are they thinking? Why would I ever want to listen to someone talk about themselves doing shit they never actually did? And what am I supposed to say in response?

"Wow. Crazy."

And they almost always set up their story by saying, "I had the craziest dream last night...". Dear me, had a crazy dream you say? I'd fucking hope so. Why would anyone act surprised that they had a crazy dream? Aren't they all? Have a completely normal dream, then I'll be like, "get the fuck out of here!".

Let's hear about that one dream that had you sitting in class for 2 hours straight, racking your brain for something to say to little Miss Flower Cooch sitting right next to you, and while you thought of something to say you're still too pussy to say it, so once again you exit the room in shame and head straight for the parking lot. You get to your car and leave but on the way home you run into traffic on the 405, so you spark up a cigarette even though its your mom's car and you don't want it to smell. Then you realize you had the air conditioner on the whole time so the smell of smoke has already sucked up into the air filter for good and that gets you thinking about how much your mom is going to kill you and how bad life sucks now. Finally you get home and make yourself a balogna sandwitch with toasted bread and take a seat in front of the computer, where you proceed to jerk off to your favorite Monica Sweetheart porno. You're exhausted by this point so you lay in bed to try and take a nap, and that's when it hits you... You're already asleep and this was all just a dream. Now thats real life right there. Yeah, tell me about that one.

People all talking about their dreams and shit... Are your initials M.L.K? No? Shut the fuck up then.

Another pet peeve of mine is trailer trash philosophy. Ya know, when stupid people try their hand at encapsulating life. They say such shit like, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people". And I suppose H bombs don't kill millions of people, people kill millions of people. Way to overlook the issue you oxycontin poppin, Pabs Blue Ribbon drinkin stains on the fabric of life. I suppose my shoe shoved up your ass didn't cause constipation, Adiddas did. And don't get me started on Baptist Christians. Is it okay if we start killing these people? Really now. They say shit like, "Pain and suffering brings balance, they allow us to experience joy". No, I think I'll be happy either way. I don't suppose getting a swift foot to the nuts from a girl in second grade allowed me to appreciate my genitals that much more. "Oh happy happy fucking joy joy my balls were once lost but now they're found." Retarded logic right there I tell you. Someone's dreaming about bustin caps tonight.