There's No Bandaid in the World Big Enough....

Ya know that painful feeling of embarassment you get when someone's brain child turns out to be a still birth? Like when teachers try to put a "funky fresh" spin on educational matters. Instead of coolhouse rock this is coolhouse rap, and your teacher just ripped his coat off and is bustin flows about the economy. The vicarious shards of pain slice deep. Like an empathetic dildo rammed up your fanny. It'll make you want to crawl up in the corner and shield your eyes, as if Micheal Jackson just exposed himself and was now heading towards you. It hurts like watching Kathy Bates sledgehammer that dude's feet in Misery. Odd reactions to say the least, considering its the teacher making an ass of himself, not you.

But we've all had our moments. I know you'd all love to disown them, so you can thank me later for broaching the subject and fishing those gems from the back of your mind. Don't you wish that everyone who saw you died? Maybe you weren't bustin flows about the NASDAQ, and I doubt anyone's tasted the salty ballsweat of embarassment so profoundly as Tanya Harding in 94', but we can't all be The Fonze 365 days of the year. It can be anything from the classic TP Stuck to the Shoe to the unforgetabble I Just Vomitted on You While Having Sex. While I haven't had enough sex for it to coincide with my vomiting, I can personally attest to a handful of haunting memories not quite tragic enough to fully repress. Luckily, I've never peed my pants in public.

Shat them though. Don't act like you don't know. That tippy-toe diarrhea... The kind that sneaks up on you like a theif in the night. As far as you're concerned, you're packing some pretty consolidated turds. You feel some wind building up so you shift your weight to let out a little squeaker, and thats when you get a tad bit more than you bargained for. You tell yourself that wasn't wet you felt, just a hot fart, its easy to confuse the two. But deep down you know what's true. You just creamed yourself, and no, if you sit there long enough it won't just "evaporate" and go away. Maybe if you're lucky you can convince people it's coffee. It happens to the best of us.

Luckily I only fart-shat my pants once - on my hospital bed when I had appendicitis. I stained my polka-dot gown and some bed sheets, no biggie. It's only poop for crying out loud... At least it was in a somewhat appropriate setting. They're no strangers to bodily fluids..

I can remember another precious moment, but unlike shitting my pants, this feat could have only been pulled off by Little Me; Second Grade Me to be exact. School was over and I was loungin around in the After School Care room. As my mind danced nude in patches of dandylions and dewey meadows, my body casually decided to pick a booger from my nose and eat it. Apparently I used to have a nasal fixation to coincide with my oral fixation. Didn't like to see a good booger goto waste neither. This one was a green meanie, which is only like, the most delicious booger ever. I thought nobody was looking. In fact, everybody was looking. Apparently I was quite the spectacle as I sat there scrutinizing the emerald beauty that lay on my finger tip. And when I placed it on my tongue, the anticipation of what I was about to do was released in a rather harmonious, "ewwwwwwww". Shocked, I tried to play it off like I only pretended to eat it, but they were onto me. I was a booger eater. But I'm clean now.

And of course the list goes on. But I'd rather talk about boogers and poop. Needless to say, embarassment is often a lose lose situation. There are no winners, only victims. Nobody wants a poop stain on their pants, and nobody wants to see a poopstain on someone else's pants. Kick me in the nuts and the pain will go away. Pull my pants down so everybody can laugh at my nuts, that hurt will last a lifetime.