Support your local lowlife

Everybody is always complaining about the homeless. Either they're complaining about them, or they're complaining for them, but its all complaining nonetheless. But bums are a lost cause. They're all kicking it up in the alley, flippin Maslow's heirarchy of needs on its head as they think, "Hmm, food or fix, food or fix, food or fix... Fuckit, trashcans will always be around but this high grade Afghanie smack won't. Hey Larry, could you do me a favor and pull the needle from my arm if pass out again after I blow off? Appreciate it" Because when you're up shits creek without a paddle, you try to paddle around with syringes filled with smack, and that'll get you nowhere. And ya know, we have a whole day dedicated to fucking shrubbery, but no day for the homeless. So I proclaim today, November 17th, the official "Support your Local Lowlife Day". Everyone should join. Walk up to your local drifter and make him richer. Don't be greedy, give to the needy. Isn't it fun, when you give to a bum? Think about it, if everyone pitched in to help their local lowlife, then maybe his life won't be so low afterall. Just one day out of the year. Because I understand how it is people - nobody wants to be bothered by smelly mounds of hairy flesh. And I sympathize for their plight, i really do, but if they're gonna try to score some jingle out of Numero Uno just like the rest, then "Lo siento my compadre, these centavos aren't for tu. Your plea may be neverending but my bank account is, so step away from this transaction and take your B.O along with you." Now thats a fucking kneeslapper. But thats how it goes. I like prettier things.

But what if bums weren't ugly and didn't stink. What if a clean-shaven Downey-fresh bum came up to you and was like, "Pardon me sir/ma'am, but could i trouble you for some spare pocket ruffle? I'm terribly parched and I'm afraid my stomach has once again emitted a rather unpleasant growl", and he said it in an accent that was all British and fuckin sweet. I'd be like "Yeeah man sure, here's a dollar. So... Going for a bite to eat you say... want some company?" Cuz the thought of a clean bum is just that fuckin cool to me. Not to mention rare. I've probably never seen one, but there must be fresh faces entering the bumlife all the time. The wife just divorced them, their job just fired them, the IRS just sodomized them, and now they're up in the alley playing with their bejoogles near a trash can.

But what a rarity it would be to see a newly hatched bum in his own habitat. I have yet to encounter the beggings of a bum fresh off the boat of life, nor have i seen a bird fall dead from the sky, but such spectacles of life are destined to occur, and to anyone fortunate enough to see such a thing - rejoice, I say unto you, for you have just bore witness to the glory of nature's miraculous, hidden bounty. Now kick some dirt over that bird or for fucks sake give the bum a dollar. Actually, don't be a jew, give him two. Ahead of him lay a long dark desolate road, and I have feeling he'll run out of gas before he hits the residentials, if you know what i mean.