G Snizzle up in the Hizzle.

If sperm is considered a life form, consider me a ruthless killer. I've suffocated, squashed and drowned families of sperm all in a single swipe. Their deaths brutal and horrific to the human mind. My sperm has been swallowed and dissolved in stomach acid, left to crack and crust on walls, left to dry and die on bedsheets, left as signatures on bathroom stalls, flushed down toilets in latex coffins, shot like canons as I peacefully slept, coalesced to clog up shower drains, left for dead on titties i'll never forget. But do I, Greg Olmeda, lose any sleep? Bitch I jerk myself to sleep.

But putting the ethical dilema of sperm killing aside, I remember being younger and worrying about being a premature ejaculator. This was because wacking off for me was a matter of minutes, heck, sometimes even seconds. If i could bust a nut so quick using my imagination, imagine when a girl was finally playing with my member! Holy Moly I'd bust quicker than I could pee! Luckily as it turns out, its not like that. I forgot to take into account speed and imagination. Turns out when I'd be jerkin the beef (get it? Beef jerkey, jerkin the beef...) my hand was usually pumping quick enough to start a fire, if i so happened to have any flammable material near my dick. And it's impossible to fuck that fast. Secondly, while it was an objective of mine to imagine fine females feeding me grapes and sucking me off in the case of masturbation, I'd think about nymphomaniacle gramdma's fingerbanging each other in a pool of vomit in the case of sexual intercouse. That being said, I could go on for hours if i didn't fucking smoke away my capacity to do strenuous cardiovascular work.

Okay, so I just took a break from writing to visit Sex's site, for some sexual inspiration of course. Imagine my surprise when I read,

"The whole fuckin Blogland is horny or doin' it, apparently.* (Except for Greg - there something you not telling us, honey?)"

I resent that. Listen missy! I go through many phases and that is reflected in my blog, but if ONE thing is permanent it would be my horniness thankyouverymuch. Questioning my horniness... Pfft. Yes sex, I am non-sexual. My penis is reserved for urination purposes only. I look at a beatiful woman and I'm like, "Wow, I'd really like to... paint her". Jerking off takes me hours and gives me serious hand cramps because nothing turns me on. My testicles realized the futility of producing sperm and simply stopped. My nuts are now expendable raisins. There is my Charles Dicken's Tale of Two Cities deep down hidden secret for ya. Happy now?

Geez, no faith in me Sex! No faith!