Can't Touch This (Doodoodadoomp)

If your seeing eye dog hasn't indicated to you already, I haven't been posting much as of late. It's not that I don't love you guys, because I do, totally. How many times must we go over this - it's not you, it's me.

I've just been caught up in this whole conundrum of life. Which isn't to say I've been busy. That would imply that Starbucks hired me (I didn't wanna fucking work there anyways). Or maybe you're thinking, since it's me and all, that I'm getting laid alot - and these blasted nude women have pinned me down on satin sheets and insist on feeding me grapes all the time. This is not the case. Shocking, I know. But I'm still playing with myself and avoiding the smell of my own farts as usual.

Aww shit I just ripped one. Damn I blasted that thing off. Ew, smells like lettuce.

This week I'm getting back into the swing of blogging. Let me tell ya though, I've been whoring myself to summer like a hooker in Thailand who gives the best boom boom sucky sucky in town. I loove summer. I love the sun. I love the lack of clothes women wear because of the sun. I love baking under the sun, walking around shirtless, and the feel of tanning oil being rubbed all over my body by a woman other than my mom or grandma. I love it all. So as a result, my keyboard has been getting a bit lonely.

But if you feel sorry for my keyboard you're an idiot verging on insane because keyboards don't have feelings. Let's get that straight right now.

I've been feeling considerably breezy-minded as of late. Usually I'm always wanting to write or talk about higher reality, whether free will exists, the ontological incongruities of an omnipotent, omni-benevolent God in light of the existance of evil, whether or not my sperm have souls, ya know, that sort of thing. Now I just want to talk about getting drunk and rubbing my face in some titties. But that's not a bad thing, right?

But hey, here's an "intelligent" joke for you all.

Q: What did the proton say to the electron?
A: Why do you always have to be so negative?

I made that shit up. Really I did. Isn't it funny? That's a kneeslapper I tell ya what. If you didn't laugh at that I'll fucking cut you.