Death Kills

Suicide is an innate human right. But with all the ways to kill oneself, it may be hard knowing which to choose. So I've compiled a cursory little list of popular ways to die, because its fun to think about sometimes.

The Good Ole' Fashioned Noose - I've often wondered why people choose this method. Anyone who's dove too deep under water, or been forcefully strangled during sex will know that suffocation is an utterly intolerable feeling. It's up there with being engulfed in flames. However, this option still contends for being so convenient, as most individuals carry rope in their homes or live close to a Home Depot. Regardless, the process of asphyxiation makes this suicide option none too ideal. Unless you like that kind of shit ya kinky freak.

The Super-powerless Superman - Anyone who's gone skydiving before will tell you - boy oh boy, flying through the air is exhilarating! The powerless superman method is ideal for anyone who's dreamt of being able to fly when they were young but were wise enough to know they couldn't. The quick and painless death, combined with the last few seconds of adrenaline pumping descent makes this option a true contestant with its dukes up. The downfall, no pun intended, would have to be the posthumous and all too public mess. But what does it matter when you're dead. Right?

This Gilette Ain't for Shavin' - Cut your life line, so to speak, this is a fairly tranquil way to die. The victim loses consciousness then slowly passes away. Sitting in a tub of warm water may also help facilitate the blood loss. However, there have been multiple reports of failed attempts using this method so it earns a low consistency rating. Also, if you are a male and attempting this method in a tub, I suggest wearing some sort of garment, as bloodloss and death may shrink the penis.

The Itchy Trigger Finger - Straight for the brain, another pragmatic way to die. Fast, easy, and relatively clean. Unfortunately, not everybody owns a gun, and obtaining one can take some time. By the time one is finally obtained, the suicidal individual may no longer be suicidal, so this would be nothing to his cause. There must be some sleeping pills nearby...

Sleeping Pills? More like Sleeping Kills! - I've eaten bad Sushi before. This method sucks.

So there you have it. A cursory examination of popular ways to kill yourself. I'd like to state now that the author does not condone suicide, nor has he ever been suicidal himself. He loves life and encourages you all to do the same. So ladies, if you're ever feeling down and out, just give me a call, I'm here for you, and I will clean your pipes. And to the fellas... eat some carrots and drink some ginseng or something. You'll get over it.