Me so hoorny, me love you long time.

Hewroo Ewerybordy, I am back from China. I am officially deeming Chinese as being the ugliest language on the planet, I'm having trouble pronouncing my L's because apparently hearing too much butchered Engrish has rubbed off on me. On top of that I am officially deeming all those people in China as being the ugliest bunch of bastards on the planet. Well, okay maybe the second ugliest bunch, India seems takes the curry cake. But goddamn, never has my sex drive been so understimulated in my life. Here I am thinking I'd come back from Asia with some newfound fetish for yellow flesh. Now I'm thinking I'd rather jerk off to a white wall. Actually I did jerk off to a white wall. See the thing is, they're so busy stirring their bowls of noodles that they forgot to stir up the gene pool, so not only are they exact replicas of each other, but its a friggin incest-fest over there. No wonder they're so damn ugly and all need glasses. Ya see, Quan fucked Quan fucked a Quan fucked a Quan, then some Quan got rebellious and changed his named to Chang but lest we forget its all the same family? Yes folks, there is a reason why they all have the same last name - they all come from the same unadulterated batch of semen... Or at least thats my theory.

But anyways I"ll cut to the chase. Not so many highlights, I didn't get much alone time so I didn't have much time to get into trouble, but I did make out with a Hong Kong hooker. Okay wait its not what you think. Okay its exactly what you think, but i was drunk damnit.

See the drinking age over there is 18 and even that is just a suggestion, and it has always been a fantasy of mine to sit alone in a bar and drink with a I-just-broke-up-with-my-girlfriend look on my face, as I smoke a cigarette, just like in the movies. So I goto the bar across from my hotel and order a beer. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to fullfill my fantasy and stumble back to my hotel room because I had to wake up early the next morning. About 30 seconds into this process some asian chic in the bar comes and sits next to me. Damn, fantasy over. We spark up small talk. I tell her I was from LA, she tells me she's from Taiwan. There's alot of hookers in Taiwan. Then her friend, or should i say "partner in crime" comes over and starts giving me a back massage. A really good one too. The chic I was initially talking to starts rubbing my thighs. She was like, "you cold? I warm you up". Meanwhile the female bartender starts telling me how nice my skin is, and how nice my eyes are. I'm feeling nice. I'm being caressed by two relatively cute asian females, I'm being dished compliments by the chic serving me drinks, I'm drinking my beer, I'm smoking my cigarette, and eventually I get to thinking this is better than my lonely-man fantasy... and where the fuck are my palm leaves and grapes?

But then the chic to my left leans in for a kiss. Okay more like lunged. Now lets take a time out, choose your own adventure, if you will: What should I have done? Dodged and kept my dignity intact, or allow myself to make out with a Hong Kong hooker? Well, she smelled good, so I allowed her to vacuum my tongue right out of my mouth. Hey, gotta try everything at least once right? Okay we kind of sorta started going at it. I kept telling myself she wasn't a hooker, just some chic who really wanted me. If its any conselation she really DID want me, I swear! Then I snapped out of my drunk hedonistic urges and pulled away. I told her I had to go. She was like, "take me with you". I was like, "no, I gotta go". She was like, "why you got to leave me, you make me so horny!". I'm not making this up people. She was practically clawing at me, telling me not to leave. I don't know if she really wanted my business, or just really wanted a young American chap to clean her pipes, but i'll keep telling myself it was the latter. I was gonna ask her for a fuck on the house, because afterall I have no morals. But ultimately I followed my intuition and walked back to my hotel room alone. She would have fucked me for free. Yeah... totally.