How to argue

As my remaining friends may tell you, I know how to argue. I win them all. People will even ignore me at parties, which is understandable, because people like feeling smart, which isn't possible when I'm around. I take their avoidance as a gesture of both admiration and fear. If you want to argue anything like me, listen to these tips.

Drink Liquor

You will notice that when people argue, their voices often become loud, their actions rambunctious. If you are not drinking you may feel timid, too timid perhaps to cut into the conversation. Or maybe you just don't care. Drink up. Once that sweet ether hits your lips you will be amazed at how strongly you suddenly feel about the subject matter at hand. Next thing you know, you will be doing things like spouting off about the stock market even though you failed your economics class, and later that night when you're hugging at the toilet seat to stay conscious, at least you will know you stood up for what you believe.

Listening is a waste of mental space

You may think that in order to argue well, you must also listen well. This is a myth. Listening takes up mental space that may otherwise be used for generating a Mike Tyson super-knockout punch argument of your own. Instead of listening closely to what your opponent is saying, instead listen sporadically and selectively, the key here is to pick up on something to use against them. For example, if your opponent is expounding on the impact of Abraham Lincoln's emancipation of slaves on the U.S. economy, ask,

"Excuse me, do you even know what type of gun Abraham Lincoln was shot with?".

Most likely he will not know and say, "I don't know"

To which you reply, "You don't know huh? What a surprise. You don't know..."

After that, if you really want to seduce the audience with your argumentative wizardry, pretend you're a lawyer and say something like, "Let the record show, he doesn't know."

Make stuff up

Suppose your opponent flips the previous question around and asks if you know what gun Abraham Lincoln was shot with. You'll be damned if you knew and you only have a vague memory of some show you saw on the History Channel that asked the very same thing in a trivia question before commercial break. Make something up. Say, "Abraham Lincoln was murdered with a single shot Winchester .22 pistol fired approximately 2 inches above his left ear. There were no exit wounds." Say it in a dramatic voice, especially the last part, and no one will question the truthiness of your claim.

Create a bank of snappy, irrelevant comebacks

Suppose your opponent happens to score a valid point, you need a wealth of snappy, irrelevant phrases to fire back at him. Here are some good ones:

You're barking up the wrong tree
Stop getting defensive
You're comparing apples to oranges
Under what pretense?
Baboons could write Shakespearian sonnets if they had the time

Here's how they work.

Him: "The Winchester manufacturer wasn't even around during Abraham Lincoln's time."
You: "I'm sorry, a Winston I mean."
Him: "That's a brand of cigarettes."
You: "You're barking up the wrong tree"

or,

You: "The Great Stock Market crash of 1939 led-"
Him: "The stock market crashed in 1929"
You: "You're comparing apples to oranges"

Your opponent will attempt to wrap his head around the irrelevance of what you just said, thus allowing an opportunity for you to either vindicate yourself, or sock your opponent in the face.

Don't be afraid to sock your opponent in the face

As always, the key to any argument is to win. So maybe you're losing, don't worry about it, you may have lost the battle but you haven't lost the war. Go ahead and cut your losses by socking your opponent in the face. Hey, arguments get heated, emotions get involved, people understand that. Just try harder with the whole talking part next time. And with that I leave you to go out into the world and argue. Just remember, if you lose any friends for being too "argumentative", this is basically their way of saying "I resent you for your intelligence". Take it as a compliment.

*thanks to dave barry for the topic