Where's my juicebox?

I got some action the other day at work. And by "got some action" I mean an old lady started touching my shoulder. And by "touching my shoulder" I mean she tapped me and asked where the canned olives were. And so this is life, utterly stagnant and actionless.

My mom thinks I'm an alcoholic. Being Chinese, her definition of alcoholism differs greatly from that of our western conception, in which I'd be considered a "fucking pussy" with a "working liver". In China they have this phenomena called second-hand drinking. It's when a sober asian accidentally catches a whiff of a drunk person's breath and becomes intoxicated, and this is why, in case you were wondering, they all wear those silly little masks. (So if you've been drinking, you need to especially stay away from any pregnant asians, as the health of their unborn child rests in your gastral intestinal tract.)

I checked my horoscope today on yahoo. It read,

"A blabbermouth might let your big secret slip today. Take preventative measures."

Oh no. Since I'm at school all day, I don't know what ever shall I do. So as a preventative measure I will say this: listen you fucking blabbermouth, if you ever let my big secret slip, I'll chop off all your fucking toes on one foot, so for the rest of your entire life, you will have to buy two differently sized pairs of shoes everytime you go shopping. It will hurt both physically and financially, trust me.

Of course, people who actually believe in crystal balls, horoscopes, fortune tellers, astrology and Miss Cleo's accent, have brains the size of raisinets, because believe me when I say, I have no big secret waiting to be spilled. I spill all my own secrets, and I will prove it by doing so now.

Big secret #1 - I had a twin brother at birth.
Big secret #2 - We were siamese twins.
Big secret #3 - We were the first ever to be adjoined at the testicle.
Big secret #4 - We were successfully separated, and after winning a best two out of three game of rock/paper/scissors, I was able to keep the larger half of the contested testicle. Him, still bitter about the loss, now lives in Thailand.
Big secret #5 - He is now suing me for another round of rock/paper/scissors, citing that, and I quote, "You just so happened to have your hand open while I was making a fist. That was unfair. We were babies, we didn't even know how to play."
Big secret #6 - I was a smart baby.
Big secret #7 - Our deformity was the result of second-hand drinking, which was not as well researched at the time.