you think you're horny?

The other day I witnessed something not uncommon of men to do. I'll get into it later, but it's something we've all seen, and its a reason why I love men. I mean, not men specifically, I meant I love certain things men do... Wow that sounds even gayer, I mean, not like sexual things but certain-

fuck it...

See, us men are a naive bunch. We're dragged by a particular emotion - it's the reason why women think we're assholes, why we pleasure ourselves daily, and why we hang towels over our boners when we get out of the shower. I'm talking about horniness; jenkin it, feelin the juice, lookin to spread the butter on a warm english muffin. And before you ladies say, "Like ohmigod, as if I didn't feel that too" I say to you NOT AS MUCH! NOT AS OFTEN AS US! AND OF COURSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU'D HAVE TO BE THERE!

Because women can't, they really can't. I'm convinced that women in general (childhood issue stipulation) aren't anywhere near as horny as us, even though many would claim they are. Yeah right, they may have the potential to be as horny, if not hornier, than us, but they fail on consistency ratings. And before you disagree, let me prove my point. Where are your dildos?

If women were anywhere near as horny as men were, they'd carry dildos around everywhere they went. What woman wouldn't? They'd have dildos hung at their side like lightsabers, they'd stir their coffees with them, there'd be dildo vending machines in the ladies rooms, and personally if i were a chic, I'd use my own pocket rocket to please myself during class. If anybody asked what that noise was I'd claim it was my cell phone going off.

And it makes scientific sense because of a process Tom Cruise probably knows nothing about. A process that has its roots deep inside our ancestery, sort of like how our ancestery had its roots deep inside our anscestery... Get it? It was discovered by a man who's name rhymes with "Narwin" and it has alot to do with monkies. That's right, I'm talking about all five Rocky films.

No really, I'm talking about evolution. It all makes perfect sense. Us men are lazy specimens, and if we didn't have such a strong constant sex drive, you probably wouldn't be reading this right now, and your soul would be in the shape of an amoeba. Okay maybe I'm being overdramatic, but where would our species be if men could actually be "too tired" for sex? Exactly, we'd all be well-rested amoebas. Women on the other hand, need to be more selective with whom they get horny with, because they can't just have any man's babies. They need a man who exerts power, one who displays outwardly that his seed will bode well. A man like Rocky.

We need to get our jamba juice out there, so to what I was getting to earlier, sometimes this overwhelming urge to have sex has us ignoring our own physical or mental shortcomings, as was the case in the cafeteria the other day, where I saw a nerd of epic proportions make talk talk with hot lady. And she was hot, let me tell you. And he was ugly, let me tell you, with a face only God could love. He didn't care to notice the chic was obviously busy and not diggin him, so he went on, probably trying to impress her with his nerd knowledge, "... so you do know what bipedal locomotion means? It's just a fancy way to say "walking", HAHA?". This guy would NOT stop talking to this girl, after a while she started to look disgusted, but reading facial expressions ain't our thing.

Which is why I find certain men funny. Because some men are just so oblivious to signals it's entertaining to watch, unlike women, who will actually inject Ben and Jerries into their veins for days on end if a guy so much as scratches his nose with them. We've evolved into clueless bags of horny juice that can't take hints very well. A drink to the face, a hearty slap, pepper spray, a gunshot wound; hints generally need to be of this magnitude in order for us to fully acknowledge their presence. The road to a man's ego is paved by desperation and cognitive dissonance. It's in our very nature. Now if only I could be less realistic and more irrational... I'm gonna go shoot up some Ben and Jerries.