All the ugly people, where do they all come from?

From China, that's where they come from.

In LA I guess I'm considered moderately attractive (since sex got the ball rollin on this vanity talk i'll hop on the bandwagon). I turn heads from time to time, I get some double looks, occasionally i get a down-up and if i'm lucky i'll get a smile. Grandma's seem to love me, waitresses are quick to refill my coffee, I look especially decent in dim light and I've been told on more than one occasion by more than one person that i have a good "aura". Whatever the fuck that means. I may not be as hot as this champ right here (I think i went through a bit too much trouble finding that damn pic. Lets just say i'm lucky to be secure with my sexuality, AKA hederosexuality), but i'm definately hotter than this pup, so you all get the idea. Basically I get by here in LA.

But in China I was a fucking supermodel. I guess Einstein was right about his whole Theory of Relativity. If a moderately attractive person finds him or herself amid a sea of ugly chopstick wielding Ching Chong Choopas, then his or her attractiveness rises in reciprocal relativity to the ugliness he or she is accompanied by. Or at least I think thats what he said. I love it when ugly people make me hotter. I was like a decent chic who loved her ugly friend because of the beauty by contrast, except in this case, I had 1.6 billion ugly friends so that made me even more delighted. I had those asian chics giggling like schoolgirls. They had their tiny hands over their mouths all nice and proper, laughing at me as if i had toilet paper stuck to my shoe or something. But instead of having toilet paper stuck to my shoe I was hot.

And let me tell ya, it was really on my agenda to get laid over there, because the sightseeing just wasn't giving me an erection. I mean, how much easier could it be? I was an American supermodel. My only obstacles were,

1) the language barrier (Or maybe it could be like in the movies. I smile, she smiles, we're fucking)
2) finding the right opportunity.
3) finding someone who wasn't ugly.

Number #3 proved hardest of them all. I figured I would run into some cute American broad and we'd be thrilled to see each other. "You speak English? Me too! Wow we have alot in common". Then we'd go off and have delicious sex in light of our similarities. Well, I ran into a somewhat decent chic from New York at this area called Lai Kwai Fong, it was this place with alot of bars. I offered to buy her a drink and she politely refused. I was a bit stunned to say the least. Was she rejecting me or did she just not drink? Well, we got to talking right after so apparently it wasn't the latter. I started to analyze her because for fucks sake, THIS BITCH DONT" DRINK! Either she was a hardcore Christian or an ex-alcoholic. It didn't matter either way because in the end of it all, inebriation and sobriety aren't exactly peas and fucking carrots. So i went to go look for cheaper beer. Then I called it a night and fell asleep on one of the tables in the bar. Don't worry I wasn't by myself this time. That fantasy has yet to be fullfilled.

So imagine my dismay stepping off the plane when i got back to LA. My inner soul was just crying out, "loooooook at meeee, please someone just look at me! I'm was a former supermodel I swear it!" Oh well, maybe mediocrity doesn't attract stares but I still look pretty young, which can only mean I'll look that much younger when i'm old. And perhaps when I get to the age where my facial skin no longer looks like it was taken from a baby's ass I'll be considered hot. But for now, all I know is this: I can't grow a beard, and I'm reeeally having a hard time with these sideburns. My barber cut them off last time. That dumbass. Those weren't stray hairs they were my attempt at growing sideburns thank you very much. Another 6 months of cultivation, that's all I fucking need. But then again, I"m asian.