Raw, Uncut, and Smell Like The Sushi.

I feel like its been a while since I've written something meaningful. Which isn't to say what I've said before wasn't meaningful, everything out of my gracious mouth is meaningful. But I like to touch on higher meaning every once in a while. I'd like to think an objective of good writing is to give your reader's brain a handjob, which is within the vein of mental masturbation, but with someone else's hand, it just feels better. The writer has the opportunity to tell other people things they're stupid to think of themselves, and as long as he doesn't sound condescending about it, they will be gracious.

I wish I could do that. What do I know, I'm just a 20 year old sitting here with a box of Nilla wafers and no milk. But fuckit, I want to blog something productive. So I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do. I'm gonna interview myself. So here it is, this is the raw, 100% truth from the horse himself. I will be playing both the part of Diane Sawyer, and myself.

Diane Sawyer: You're still living at home with your parents. How do you feel about this?
GREG: I'll get over it.
Diane Sawyer: So I take it you're not too crazy about living at home.
GREG: Of course I'd rather be by myself, I love being by myself, but I'm content here at home. Perhaps not entirely happy, but happiness is fleeting anyways.
Diane Sawyer: What do you mean by that?
GREG: Happiness is a chemical high, its a natural drug, and we're not built to feel it all the time. People seem to forget that and turn the quest for happiness into a constant journey, always looking for it. I always find my keys when I stop looking for them. But people will look to the point where they forget to simply be content, which is blissful in itself. Contentment is more neutral. It's a mindset, an outlook, a disposition which most don't seem to reside in simply because they are sad that they are not happy. But there's a whole middleground. I try to focus on being content, because what will make me happy is so unpredictable. Its amazing how often we're wrong when we try to predict our emotions, as if we had any say.
Diane Sawyer: So would you say you are content?
GREG: More or less, as long as I focus on what I have as opposed to don't have. Which is a total cliche, but it's true. There's a guy living in Hawaii right now who wishes he lived in LA, and there's a man living in LA right now who wishes he lived in Hawaii. Paradise is always over there, so as long as I'm here, I'll suffice with knowing that I'm living someone else's over-generalized dream.
Diane Sawyer: Living with your parents?
GREG: Living with my goddamn parents. But lets move on. Why don't you ask me how my show is doing on the WB?
Diane Sawyer: How is your show doing on the WB?
GREG: I don't have a show on the WB.
Diane Sawyer: Then why did you... I'm sorry, who are you?
GREG: My name is Greg. Keep the questions coming sweetcheeks.
Diane Sawyer: Okay, Greg. You say you've been to prison before, how did that change your life, if at all?
GREG: Here's some irony for you, the most vivid memory I have of prison is a dream I had in it. I was at Dairy Queen, trying to choose between a maple or chocolate donut. That was such a wonderful dream. I hardly ever remember my dreams, but in prison, I did.
Diane Sawyer: I take it was a rough time.
GREG: It wasn't physically rough, except for the shitting on a steel toilet. I was constipated, I hadn't shat in 5 days because I wanted stalls. When I finally sat down on that steel, I felt like my ass had frostbite. But prison sucked mentally, especially for precious little me. They try to do everything they can to strip you of hope, and they try to make life as routine as possible. I guess you could call it negative inspiration. Instead of inspiring inmates by giving them hope, they inspire them by taking it away. Which isn't very rehabilitating if you think about it.
Diane Sawyer: So how do you feel about the whole prison system?
GREG: It's not doing its job. Are we trying to turn these inmates into better people, or are we trying to punish them? The whole concept of punishment can get pretty rediculous if you ask me. It's like saying, "Hey fuck you Mr. Product of Your Environment and Genetics, we're gonna punish you and make you even more resentful". Now there's something to dig into.
Diane Saywer: What? The whole nature vs. nurture argument?
GREG: Yeah, it's totally gotten twisted. I mean, why is it that on one hand, most would agree that somewhere between Nature and Nurture lies the mold which shapes an individual and his actions; yet, when it comes time to hold people accountable for what they did, we throw all that out the window and blame them 100 percent? We go around blaming people so much for the way they are, as if they chose to be that way.
Diane Sawyer: Well haven't you chosen who you are at this moment?
GREG: Not so much so. Defining choice is a fine line to walk and an even finer line to distinguish. Certain "choices" I've made were so influenced by factors I didn't choose, it would be an overstatement to call them a choice. And most of the time, its not so much that we choose to be one way, but that we don't choose to be another. And by not making that choice, people say we therefore choose to be the way we are now. I'm not too sure about all that. All I know is, I like placing my nuts near my dog's tongue after I give him peanut butter.
Diane Sawyer: Excuse me?
GREG: Sorry this interview was getting rather bland.
Diane Sawyer: You seemed to be getting pretty intense there.
GREG: Which is why it was getting bland.
Diane Sawyer: You had me intruiged.
GREG: Are you going to ask me questions or are you just gonna suck my dick all day?
Diane Sawyer: My gosh, I find you truly offensive. Here's a question Greg, why are you so offensive?
GREG: Because I feel like it. Isn't that always the answer? Why did Marv Albert bite that lady's ass? Because he felt like it. Why am I offensive? Because I feel like it. I could always come up with a reason after the fact, but I'd be mistaken to actually believe it. I could say, "well I like to keep people on their toes" or, "I like to see people's reactions when I offend them" These aren't reasons, that's just me trying to put the words to my emotions. That's called rationalizing and I hate it because people so often convince themselves that some sort of logic came prior to their actions, when they really just did something they felt like doing.
Diane Sawyer: Aren't there times when we actually think before we do?
GREG: Yeah and those are the times when we actually think before we do. Good luck trying to distinguish between the two. Wanna smell my shoe? Then we'll go sniff some glue.
Diane Sawyer: Thanks for the offer but I'm quite alright.
GREG: Well I have some Kraz-e-glue and a sharpie waiting for me in the car. I'm gonna go get twisted. This interview is over.
Diane Sawyer: Wait Greg one last question.
GREG: What?
Diane Sawyer: Which way do you hang your cock?
GREG: To the left... Always to the left.