Small and Insignificant. (Me, not the post)

If I tell you guys something do you promise not to tell anyone? Okay I"ll let you in on a little secret. I have a bashful bladder. It doesn't like letting go of fluids under certain conditions. He gets... nervous. If I'm in a public restoom and someone is standing next to me with no divider between us, I have a real hard time getting something to flow. Especially if its just me and him in the restroom. I just want to be like, "Yo bro, there's an open toilet stall over there, is it really necessary for you to piss right next to me you're invading my personal bubble here pal". I just can't pee under those conditions.

I have to bring out the jedi mind tricks. There is nobody standing next to you Greg. You are in a forest, there is a stream trickling nearby, inhale, take a breathe of that fresh air, you will be done in no time. Sometimes these mental exercises work, sometimes they don't. If they don't, I just pretend to pee, then I wait for the gay mofo who stood next to me to leave, then I hit the urinal once again to pee on my own terms. But if I'm drunk, I can pee with total confidence, anytime, anywhere. This all changed last night, however.

I was quite tips and at Dodger stadium. The bathrooms at the stadium have horse urinals, which for those of you that don't know, look like a long horse trough that everybody pees in. A good ole community pisser, it is the closest thing you can find to communism here in the United States. I figure I was drunk enough to pee hip to hip without suffering from BBS (bashful bladder syndrome). I find an open spot and I get ready to go. Before I could get a squirt out, a black man pulls next to me, and whips his.... this... it was...

Don't get me wrong, I keep my eyes straight when I pee but I still have something known as peripheral vision. Normally people's wangs aren't big enough for my PV to pick up on, but this guy's was like boooooooooooom. Shockwaves rang out and reverberated off the walls, the ground shook. I just stood there, staring at my twig while a big black monster unleashed itself on the outer rims of my vision. I couldn't get a squirt out.

How could I? I felt so small. I felt like hadn't even hit puberty yet. I felt like I were 10 years old. Slap a fucking Mattel sticker on my shit, I was working with plastic, a keychain, if my shit were a food item on a fastfood menu it'd be part of the 99 cent value meal, this guy was working with a Carl's Jr. 6 dollar burger. Fuck me... fuck me..