Am I crazy?

"I tried to have an imaginary friend when i was younger but I just couldn't fool myself, damnit. I tried very hard, I named him Max, but deep down i always knew he wasn't there."
~Greg

"Max was there, babe, you just weren't looking in the right places."
~Sex

What a sweet response, huh?

Brushing the insider metaphors aside though, I don't see myself embarking on a spiritual "journey" anytime soon. I'm what most would call "spiritually blind" or "spiritually stunted", if alliteration toots your horn. There is of course a certain part of me that would think it nice to believe death is only the middle - rush me to my grave, an eternal waterpark of slippery good fun awaits my morally unflinching soul. But what now... snap my fingers and believe?

I don't suppose I can. I don't suppose I'd want to. More importantly, I don't suppose I need to.

Whether God does or does not exist has no bearing on my life or emotions. I suppose one could ask how I could even know that, but I was indeed a believer at one point, and I know all too well the difference between a belief and an outlook, the latter being far more important. In a sense I do not care. Although I on one hand I do, because I love thinking about the possibility of God and higher reality, but its not a push and pull in the sense that most would think, where I want to believe but can't. Although people like that do exist and its an everyday struggle, I suggest they take up Tai-bo or something.

I like to let people be with their beliefs, despite all the flak I've gotten for my own, because to be quite honest I think I see certain things most people just do not see. I suppose a believer could say the same towards me, and this is probably where I'd get a bit pretentious and say, "trust me, I'm good at this shit". And I'm always willing to explain myself.

But what I don't enjoy is how people tend to play Freud. This angers me a bit. How people have their parsimonies, their projections, their hasty character analysis. It all somehow explains, quite tidily to themselves, why I haven't taken on their beliefs. And I don't like having my motives questioned! I've been called fearful, overly proud, ignorant, blind, a fucking idiot, the list goes on. But this all hurts me as much as it hurts Brad Pitt to be called ugly. It doesn't.

Regardless though, it's frustrating that I can't win because my intentions are constantly misconstrued. I'm "too young", or if I say "I don't care" people think I haven't given enough thought. If I say I've given it plenty of thought, people think I'm thinking too much. If I bring science into it, they say science isn't everything. If I say "blow me", they won't blow me because I"m an atheist. I can't win.

It's the fact that I can't convey my sincerity that disturbs me because like I said, I like to be understood, and I don't like to be misunderstood as one who misunderstands, because I am a very understanding individual. I understand the dangers of observer bias, ad hominem attacks, dichotomous thinking, which is why I'm nonpartisan - so I don't give a shit enough to be tempted to be fallacious in the first place. My approach to truth isn't to take sides and partake in the shit flinging but instead, to listen to both sides and think, "I could do better".

I was at the Ghetty museum with a friend, examining a painting by a man who's name I can't care to remember. We were discussing it. While he pondered the details, I imagined the guy with his brush clasped between his fingers, stroking his chin, pondering how he could make every stroke somehow relate to his genius vision. Or maybe he was simply going by feel. What was it? I looked to my friend and asked, "What does it mean?".

Later we were outside in the garden and I saw an curious looking flower. We stood there looking at it, taking it in not for its beauty but for something... everything else. Once again I turn to my friend and ask, "But yes, what does it mean?".

Being one of religion he smiled, but I was just humoring him. I guess I have my own private fascination with knowing that, perhaps some questions aren't there to be asked.