Oh no he's getting all "chic" on us

I suppose everybody's biggest fear would be dying alone, as if dying weren't bad enough. Just a little recognition would be nice. A little mourning. I don't think I'm the first one to imagine what my own funeral would be like. I'd be watching in from above, listening to what kind words people have to say about me, everyone weeping uncontrollably, even the little babies would be crying, or maybe they just wanted their pacifier.

But I wonder how many of those people in the crowd would have truly understood me. It is such a liberating form of recognition; to be understood. To know another sees more than just a part, is drawn in by more than just some appealling mannerisms, or looks, and that they can take in the whole even if they can't relate to it or understand the whys. It was a good weekend, an excellent weekend, but interspersed between my moments of pointless flirting and drunken unintelligability was a thought. Just give me a nice setting, a cigarette, some coffee, and a beautiful woman with a beautiful brain sitting across from me.

We wouldn't need to be talking about profound things, by all means flirt a little, leave your brain at the door and don't look back. But I love the feeling I get when in the presence of someone I see eye to eye with. There is so much unspoken understanding and mutual acknowledgement. I'll crack a smile when carefully selected words hint at some grand understanding, as if precisely behind these symbols, tangled in some abstract mess where words serve no justice, a beautiful connection between two people lies.

I'm starting to hate this post because I'm basically saying, in the most roundabout way possible, that despite all my friends and all the fun I have, there's a part of me that just wants someone to connect with, and even more, to call my own. That sounds like such a chic thing to say, I do hope nobody I know reads this. I'm just ready, I suppose. Maybe I'm just trying to find some closure to my past. From all the repugnant shit I used to put into my body, and from all the loved ones I hurt by breaking their trust, over and over, the finances down the drain, the false friendships, the not giving a shit about anyone but myself. Fuck all that.

I want someone to tell me to quit smoking too, damnit.