Keep him away from children...

Since I'm such a wonderful person, and since a fairly large part of my philosophy grade demands it, I volunteered to tutor an 8th grader for a few weeks at my old school. I have no problem with this though, be it that I'm a kind, warm, gentle individual; I care about people, I'm not your HMO. I share my college knowledge with this young girl and give her the tools of the trade so she may feed herself with fish for many a day to come. I like thinking about that potential impact. We have lifeguards, lifesavers, well what about life-impactors? That's me, I'm a life impactor. I'll leave a crater in your child's life.

She's a charming, obediant student too. Quite smart, I think I"m helping her realize her potential. She reminds me very much of myself in 8th grade; doesn't give a shit about learning, highly distractable, just starting to grow breasts, but brimming with a very unconventional basket of smarts.

Or maybe I'm just a basketcase with smarts. Either way I had to learn her some capitalization skills and as it turns out, the English language is trying to deceive me. Did you know months and weekdays are capitalized? It's not "monday" it is "Monday", yet seasons are lowercase as I can write "summer", but not "Summer". This distinction was purchased at Arbitrary Assholes R' Us. And prepositions can go up, towards, over, in, onto - Hell. I was getting tired of plugging every word into the sentence, "The plane flew _____ the clouds". Fuck grammar.

I'm a bit of a word struggler too. When trying to explain certain things my cornocopia of mental imagery likes to avoid being summarized. Words are so restricting, they're like leotards, I'd rather use flagrant hand signals and make throat sounds like "eeehhh mmmsliiiiiike uuuuuuhhh sssnnyuuunoooo" to weave my tapestry of meaning. Who wouldn't understand that? Afterall they say something like 80% of meaning is in the body language. I think I"m really getting through to her.

I am so glad she is not stupid, or, without "mental restriction" for all you PC fucks. Teaching idiots is a lesson in futility, it is like teaching communists how to love or me how to appreciate a well shaped mullet outside of its comic appeal. There is no room for negotiation. I was teaching a Kindergardener once how to spell her name. Her name was Karen: one, two, three, four, five letters, how fucking hard is that? I give her the crayon. Okay cutie pie show me what you got.

...starts off with a backwards "K", thats not dislexic one bit... Yeah I see the pigeon too now what's the next goddamn letter... I suppose that object could pass for an "a"... your "R" looks like a stick figure porn star and while your at it Ron Jeremy should be lower-case... I've formally repressed what the letters "e" and "n" looked like in my head.

It was like trying to potty train a child. You just want to say, "but its all so fucking eeeasy." Pop a squat and let one drop, if you feel like you're going to fall in spread your legs more and if you don't wipe your ass properly the devil will visit you in your sleep. Young impressionable minds are so easy to mold, sometimes you just have to shift the tactics into 6th gear. I'd make an excellent president.