Monday, July 31, 2006

Alone... alone...alone... so alone

I'm too bored to even rub one out. Yeah, it's like that tonight. So on with the revealing topic...

Sometimes I wonder why I'm single. People even ask me all the time, "Greg, why are you single?" Which is an interesting question if you think about it, being complimentary in that it implies I shouldn't be single, but sorta not in pointing out that I'm single. Whenever people ask me this I just stare blankly off into space, like a dog after you've thrown his tennis ball too far and he doesn't know where to run.

I wish I had something to say to them. Something cool and vindicating, like that I play in a band, have alot of groupies, and wouldn't want to give anyone I actually cared about my zoo-like case of crabs. But I have nothing cool like that.

I've actually been told the answer before. As if i wanted to hear it... Apparently it has less to do with wanting to be single and more to do with the fact that I'm a full blown "wierdo". And not in a smart-went-crazy sort of way. More like in a, "did they remove his frontal lobes?" sort of way. Or a, "dude, his wife will be missing limbs for sure", sort of way.

Not nice, not nice! I don't mind being wierd, but how am I supposed to lay my mack down when I'm apparently about 20 years away from being some dude... on a park bench... with a pair of binoculars... a pocket full of candy.... and a hard-on.

Which is why, as of tonight, I wish I were a girl. Girls don't have to do shit. They just sit there, look pretty, and get hit on every fuckin day. Everyday women get hit on, simply for being. That's it. Exist. Get hit on. I wish I could do that. But noooo. I have to have a good personality. Fuck that shit.

I'm usually that drunk guy at the bar who sees hot women pass by and slurrs out, "HEY LADI-..... lesbiansss".

Because I'm slightly crazy and women can sense that. But I shouldn't have to do shit. If I stand at a certain angle in dim light, I have a six pack. I'm a fucking commodity. It should be a priviledge to suck my cock, yet alone be my bitch. And yeah I said it. I said the word bitch. Cuz apparently women have that thing for assholes, which I'll never understand. But I'll play your game, you filthy little whores. Don't talk to me while I'm drinking my beer. Don't make me say that shit again. Make me food. TiVO Lost for me. Slut.

Okay well maybe the women I like don't play that game. But still. There was a point to this blog, and let me spill it out to you. I'm not your typical oblivious guy. If my come ons (creepy as they may be) don't get reciprocated by the female in an obvious manner, I'm moving on. Most likely to a corner. Where I will cry. But I can also be a cocky arrogant son-of-a-bitch. So, I don't know.

Okay that was entertaining. Time to rub one out.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

I'm normal, unlike everybody else.

This chic tagged me. What the fuck. I don't want no fucking tag, get that shit out of my face. I ain't here to take no orders from nobody. I write the things I want to write, when I want to write them. That being said, tonight I've decided to write 6 random/wierd things about myself. Because I felt like it. Not cause I was tagged. Fuck you. Correlation isn't causation.


1. I don't read [much at all]. I envy people who say stuff like "I devour books", even though that's a fruity expression. I'm too stupid for things such as reading, and comprehending. ADD, helloooo? The last book I read was Tolkien, one of his fuckin books, in the 7th grade. I don't study either. That involves reading. If a book needs to be read, it'll come to me. I ain't nobody's bitch.


2. I'm one of those people who will stop talking mid sentence. People will be like, "were you going to finish what you were saying?" and I'll be like "nah...". I'll often become bored with what i'm saying and assume the listener is bored too, so I'll simply stop speaking under the pretense that nobody will notice. They usually notice though - I guess its hard to ignore sound.


3. I am about as moody as a goth chic on her period. People will get different first impressions of me depending on when we meet and what part of my ovulation cycle I'm on. Some people think i'm shy, others think I'm an outgoing talker. Almost everyone thinks I'm an party-boy alcoholic. The reality is, I suffer from mild anxiety and depression. It's not uncommon that I'll be completely depressed for days at a time, for no reason at all. I'm assuming my Man-pms is reflected in my blogs?


4. Give me a hotel shower, and I will masturbate in it. I love masturbating in showers that aren't mine. Which isn't to say I don't like masturbating in my own shower. It's a man thing. Gotta mark my territory.

5. When I'm tired, I go to sleep.