werd.

This is my 3rd and far from last drunken thursday night post. Yeah,I'm sensing a trend here. I like drunken thursday night posts - the implications being that I'm totally drunk, and you shallow minded hicks just can't help to find it amusing when I'm smashed - reveling in the fact that I could give two corn infested poops and a and piss about proper spelling and grammer. Like watching a speech from George W Bushm, I just want yall to feel gooder abour yourselves and your grammactical prowess, you anal English Nazis.

But yall can suck on my unleven matzahs, I can complete a rubix cube in 3 minutes flat. And when I say I can complete a rubix cube, I mean I can make it look beautiful, post-modern, and colorfully diverse, unlike those crazy asaisns who insist on making every color the same on each side. No wonder they're so racist. Segregation, segregation segregation.

But it was a good night at the bar. I drank alot. And um.... I drank alot. Okay maybe there's not much to talk about. Whatever. Most people can turn their nights of drinking into some epic story of unseen proportions. Not me. I drank and that is that. I didn't get naked and dance on the bar, slapping my shit around like some fleshy hellicopter. I didn't bone a hooker. I drank, got drunk, and that was that.

Embellishments were never my thing.

However. It has come to my attention that i posted my most redicously shallow-minded and retarded blog ever the other night and everybody seemingly responded to it. Listen you little turds, I may be a bit of an attention whore but thats just redonky donk. I am a man of substance, okay? I may seem like a floozy mind but in reality, I'm one smart motherfucker. And i don't appreciate it when my retarded rambling is appreciated over my intellectual insights. Thanks all I got to say about that.

So anwyas, i'm goingto bed. Ps. north korea. back the fuck up. NObody drops bombs like me. I push ryhymes like weigh. Holler.

Masturbation, yeah I said it.

As a form of self-expression, I think self-pleasure is one of the most frequently practiced forms of gratification, yet one of the most disowned human tendancies we've ever known. They say 34 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot ( get it? I just made that up), yet i'd venture to guess that 99 percent of all guys jerk off at least twice a week. And that's me being generous. Masturbation is something of it's own.

The common outlook is that masturbation is a replacement for a lack of sex. This is all so very wrong. Masturbation is a replacement for nothing. Masturbation is an entity in and of itself, and we're lucky for this. I can't tickle my own self, but I can rub one off. Dose that not say something? I bring it up to prove a point - suppose three Swedish women were turned on by my white boy charm an decided to take turns riding on my happy stick. I just banged three swedish chics in one night and I'm super happy. Do you know what this means? This means that when I get home, I'm rubbing yet another one out, just for very good measure.

My point being, masturbation is not something for the sexually deprived. You all probably know this, but I think its such an important point to drive home because it goes to show that self-pleasure is something so natural that our conventional concept of "cause and effect" goes out the window. Masturbation needs no external stimulus.

Masturbation is not for the lonely, it is for humans. And I find it completely hilarious. We live in a world filled with homophobes, yet when it comes to our own junk, we'll stare at it in the mirror, slap it around like a helicopter, and if that shit isn't gay, I don't know what is. I'm sorry, I dare any dude to come out and say they haven't stared at their bejoogles in the mirror and slapped that shit around like it was silly putty. My penis is like Whitney Housten, it takes a beating yet it still gives respect - call that co-dependant, I call it being human.

There is an underlying truth to all this. Our penises are us. Ladies, your vaginas are you. Aside from the organs that keep you alive and working, name one organ that is more important than your reproductive ones? Yeah, I thought so. There is none. So masturbate without guilt or any of the sort.

Just make sure if you're using a dildo, that it isn't the size of a full grown anaconda. Because lets just say that I can't follow that up, so I for damn sure hope you love me for who I am, otherwise we're making babies in a petri dish, because your vagina is just too big girl. Just too big.

just be a burrito

There are two very important guidelines as far as writing a good blog goes. The first is to be liked, because anything anyone writes is good (even crap) as long as people like you. The second rule is to be diverse, because people here have ADD.

I've always felt the need to be as diverse as possible. Although its a hard thing to manage. But I can do it because I believe in myself and I've read the Little Engine that Could. So to prove how diverse I can really be, I've decided to write little snippets featuring different attempts at creative writing, followed by a brief explaination of why they are brilliant. I hope you enjoy them. These are the things I can be...

1) I can be a Fiction Writer! - "The Bear" by Gregorio, Senior

"...The man thought he heard a noise but he also thought he did not. He was somewhere deep in the meadow. He took another step but paused, as if paralyzed by some incisive intution that somewhere, hidden betwixt the bushes and roiling clouds of fog, there rest a bear, scratching its ballsack against the treebark..."

(Isn't that shit marvelous? The juxtaposition between the man's fright and the "humanizing" effect of the bear scratching his innocent balls against the treebark leads us to question our conventional outlook towards our furry friends. Are they to be so hated? Do they not scratch their balls too? BOOM, there goes your paradigm.)

2) I can be a Weight Loss Motivator! - "Get up off that Badonkey Dunk and Get into the Funk" by Senior "The Extreme" Gregorio.

"...I won't lie. I too have wished it rained burritoes. Reality check - it rains rain. Get up off that badonkey dunk and get into the funk... When the doctors first told me I was genetically obese, I went home, ate two cans of cookie dough and slashed my wrists open with the lid. I should have died, but the cookie dough slowed my heart rate down just enough to where I didn't bleed that much. If I can have second chances, so can you. Get up off that badonkey dunk and get into the funk..."

(Nothing is more motivational that an "I understand" approach followed by a life example. Wait, I just thought of something more motivational. A catch phrase that uses hip lingo and rhymes, and this is why I'm great.)

3) I can be an ancient philosopher! - "Does?" by Anonymous (Me)

"Does beauty exist, if beauty doth be perceived, inneth our head? Does the bird chirpeth, for thy lover, or for thine own happiness? Does the sphere revolveth around the sun, or do thine sun revolveth around the sphere? Doesn't the word "does" start to looketh funny if one writes it enough?"

(After posing some mindbending inquiries, the author [me] decides to dumb things down by positing something everyone can relate to. "Does" does start to look sorta funny after a while, and that is why this guy [me] is a heavyweight intellectual who also got ancient pussy.)

Okay thats all I got. So as you can see, I'm about as diverse as a burrito with alot of stuff in.... it. Not very good at analogies. But diverse. Spread the word - stop writing shitty blogs and be burritoes.

I know why the gregory sings

(this one was posted on myspace. You need some backstory. I crashed my car in a parking lot at my work. I ran into a parked car. Okay there you go)

One of my problems is that I tend to think other people are better than me. The logic I base this assumption on is irrational half the time and I know it. Like, I could literally see someone and think, "wow that guy has a Sonicare toothbrush, he is better than me." I guess I give people too much credit. I think everybody's blogs are better than mine too. And if you feel inclined to contest this, just shut the hell up. You're actually not reading this right now, you don't read crap, you think its for hillbillies and lowbrows. Instead, you choose to read Dan, The Universal Heartthrob.

I don't know why I think these things, I guess it feels so good to feel so bad. Yeeeah it feels so goood to feel so baaaad, yeeeah... But I did realise the other day that I tend to self-handicap myself. Self-handicapping is when you set yourself up for failure so you don't have to deal with the prospect of failing, having actually tried. It makes the failure hurt less basically, and the less I hurt, the less drugs I do. Yeeeah, the less I huurrt, the less druuuugs I doooooo, woaaah, yeeeaah (x2)

I don't know, does this make me a pussy? I'm just such a spaceball and I have issues with growing up. I feel so incompetant sometimes. Like this whole crashing my car deal. I dropped a taquito okay??? I dropped a taquito, I go down to pick it up and when I look up, I crash into the back of a fucking car. THATS HOW IT HAPPENED. YOU HAPPY NOW? First of all, fuck taquitos. Second of all, its just like... ya know?

I got my estimate back from the shop. Six grand to fix. I don't have six grand. So I'm going to get my insurance to pay it. But I don't even have enough money to pay my premium. Because did I mention my work pays me in Jolly Ranchers? Yeah its delicious but totally not handy at times like these. 8.50 an hour is what I really get paid. I'm worth SO much more than that, but do they realize that? No. Do they see this little light of mine shine? No. But I take the damn near abusive pay rate because I'm too lazy to switch jobs and I like to be spanked in new, sometimes metaphorical ways.

One of these days I'm going to open up something. It's gonna be real big and have a bunch of shops inside, complete with multiple stories, elevators, escalators, fountains and benches. I'm going to call it a "mall" and I'm going to make millions. That'll show my work what creativity I'm truly capable of, and they'll be fucking sorry they didn't pay me at least 9 an hour. And if any of your fuckers jack that idea I'll bleed your for your sangre.

So in conclusion, I suck. But please, don't take this as one of those, "Oh say nice things because I'm feeling needy tonight" posts cuz its totally not. You could say nice things if you want, like "Greg, spank me, grab me, pull my hair" or "I want both your penis and balls inside of me" but its totally not required. I'm actually in a good mood tonight but I felt a little sincerity was due. This is one of my demons, this makes me feel pain inside. Feeel paaain insiiiiide, woooooooaaah, like needles in my heaaart, paaaain, how many of us have iiiit...