It's like, ya know?

For the third time in my life I was told I have a good "aura". First off I must ask, wtf is an aura and wtf is a semi-goth vegan wierdo doing telling me I have a good one? Could she not say something more applicable? Like, "Hey Greg, I think you're hot, I want to jump your bones". But no. Thank you semi-goth girl who told me about the goodness of my aura the other day, I love being complimented on things I have no idea about.

I don't mean to be too sarcastic though, this IS indeed a prestigious compliment, apparently. Everyone who's given it to me before made it seem that way. Still don't know what it means. I would have asked her what it meant but she seemed so serious about it, and I didn't want to put a damper on the complimento due to my ignoramus. So I just said, "Yeah I try to keep it groomed" and gave the good ole smile and nod. I think she was trying to tell me I give off good electrons, or that I had positive energy and all that hippie shit. To me, aura sounds like one of those words that is self-defining. Aaauurraaa. It just sounds like what it is. Whatever the fuck it is.

But as I mentioned before, this wasn't the first time someone noticed whatever it was they noticed. I was in the mall once when the girl I was with laid it on me.

"Greg, you have a good aura"

"I have no idea what that means"

"Well Greg, an aura is like.... ya know?"

"No I don't know. You paused after the word like, as if you were going to say something, then you got into telepathy mode and said nothing, then you expected me to know what you were talking about. That's pretty much what just happened right now."

"But that's the exact thing. I can't describe it, it's a sense. It would be like me describing what a lemon tastes like if you've never tasted it before"

"I'm going to Hot-Dog-on-a-stick."

Man I miss high school. Screw that girl though she eventually hurt Greg's heart. And what do to women who treated Greg poorly? We hiss at them. Hisssssss.

So now apparently an "aura" is just something we "sense". I can buy that. It's amazing at how much shit we just sense. Like today my spider senses were telling me I was about to get a phone call. What happened? I got a call 30 seconds later telling me to goto the beach. Err, the person on the other end told me to goto the beach, not the call. The call couldn't talk, it's simply the name of the process that allowed conversation between us two humans to exist. But see? I sensed that!

My senses are bomb yo. I can sense two flies fucking in my sleep. That's how good they are. And sure enough, sometimes I"ll wake up and sense sex in the air. I'll look to my bedpost and lo and behold are two gnats, fucking. The one with the bigger wings is hitting the one with the smaller wings doggy style. Then they change positions and start doing it missionary until the male gnat's eyes roll into the back of his head, and I sense the pleasure juices in the air. Then I kill the fuckers because my bedpost ain't a fucking hotel room.

Snap into a slim jim.

Summer is coming, I can smell it. I can feel its warm breeze creeping up and tickling the hairs on the back of my neck, like a old guy in an elevator who won't stop fucking breathing on me. But this is good breath, the breath of summer.

Hello summer my name is Greg Olmeda nice to meet you, I've heard alot of good things about your rays. Would you care to tan me up a bit? I'm trying to get in touch with my hispanic roots. Hold on, let me take my watch off first.

So now its time for buffing up. I'm a beach bum but its not like I goto the beach to marvel at where sand meets motherfuckin water. No, I go to count how many attractive females stare at my luscious body while I wear shades and pretend I can't see them looking. But that may not happen this summer because a friend called me skinny the other day. SKINNY! Okay so here's the deal. Back in the day, everybody knew Greg was the dude with the muscles. Greg was that guy who could do pushups with Ricky Lake eating popcorn on his back. Then I went to college and did alot of, well, things that boosted my metabolism. But my weight loss was so gradual that I never noticed I had crossed the line from, "Damn son what you been eatin?" to, "Damn son you need to start eatin". So I drank 30 grams of protein straight to my dome just right now. As soon as I'm done blogging I will do my routine of situps and pushups and then... Oh billy. Oh billy... I will look like a 16th century sculpture but unlike them, my pecker won't be so small.

And yes Sex, if there is a camera present perhaps I'll capture my effervescent glow and you will be the only one to see it.

Damn lazy ass. You've been sleeping for 15 years and you're still tired?

We were talking about the Schiavo case in ethical philosophy class today. First of all, I don't like to talk *politics but let me say this. If she's not braindead she's wishing she were dead, if she's braindead she's already dead, so what the hell? Shit, if i were a prisoner trapped inside my own body I'd be screaming, "KILL ME ALREADY! And get this goddamn oatmeal tube out of my mouth i fucking hate oatmeal." But moving on. Someone asked how she came to be in such a vegitative state. I was thinking the teacher would say something like hit by a drunk driver, as per the usual comatose tearjerker case. Instead he told us she slipped into cardiac arrest because she was supposedly bulemic. Before I could stop myself, the words flew out of my mouth, "Oh... so then she REALLY wants that feeding tube removed".

Let us all take a moment to reflect on how brilliantly executed that joke was...

I'd say about one or two people laughed at it. The rest of the class groaned out this combination of "ooohhh" and "awwww" to show their dissaproval, then stood up to display with pride the branches that stuck out of each and every one of their assholes. This joke was destiny in the making and my class had the odasity to disapprove of it? Fuck them. Fuck the no-laughers in my class. "No Greg, that joke ranked very low on the sensitivity meter, please try again!" Whatever though, I still think this joke was brilliant and so did my teacher. He was trying very hard to prevent himself from busting up, but he gave me a look of approval, then went on with the obligatory, "Greg a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't hurt".

So since I was in an ethical philosophy class, and since morals are something I value highly and try to live by, I was thinking about the morality of being sensitive to other people's feelings. Before I used to justify my right to overstep the boundaries of social sensitivity by saying that someone else's taking offense is their problem, not mine. I mean let's face it, there are people out there who believe the world is 6000 years old and dinosaur fossils were put here on this planet by Satan to test our faith. If they take offense when I tell them they should jump off a cliff because God will give them wings, then that's their problem not mine. Right? Well, probably not but it sounds good so I win. Case closed.

*I didn't notice that I wrote "politics" until I read myself over real quick. This isn't even a political matter why the hell did i say that! Just goes to show what a pathetic circus this whole matter has been turned into. The only reason I'm talking about it is because of that joke. Once again, let us admire...

Updated, 102 things about me.

I'm supposed to make a list of 99 things, but that might take too long and I'm tired. So i'll see how far I go.

1. I'm 5'7.
2. People have said I have nice lips.
3. For being half asian, i must say I have pretty big eyes. Wait that sounds so unsexy. They're open, warm, inviting, and thoroughly seductive.
4. I live with both my parents. This is what happens when you screw up real college, move back home, and go to a JC.
5. I've driven my mom close to insanity with my tendancy to get into trouble.
6. My dad knows the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
7. I live in a middle class home in a middle class neighborhood. The place is called Culver City and they supposedly filmed alot of movies here, back in the day. LAX, Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, and the strizeets of Inglewood (wesside nigga) are each about 20 minutes away.
8. I went to a private Jesuit all boys high school called Loyola. It was considered prestegious but looking back on it, they cranked out alot of dumbasses.

Historizzle

9. I used to be a hyperactive child.
10. I got into about 5 good fights in elementary school. I won them all. When I was a third grader I beat up a fourth grader, that was my favorite. His name was Wesely Barker and he stole my basketball.
11. I got voted best looking in eighth grade.
12. In eighth grade i played the lion in the Wizard of Oz for my school's play. My
two best friends played the scarecrow and the tin-man. Man, the girls really loved us three, we were the popular fellas.
13. In highschool I wasn't so popular. I was a loner, more or less, for about a year and a half. I was a wierd kid, I was a little bit too much "Greg" for some folk.
14. By junior year people got to know and love Greg. I was a funny little bitch.

Shhhhh

15. I've had a very long history with drugs.
16. I smoked pot everyday for 2 years in high school. I don't regret it. It gave me alot of insight on the world around me as well as myself. I make incredible connections when I'm high.
17. I liked coke but speed was my drug of choice in college. I did it every other day for over a year straight.
18. In college I was kicked out of the dorms so I started living in an apartment with a 24 year old bipolar roomate. She didn't like the fact that me and some friends would do drugs all night so she told her brother I raped her so he'd beat my ass. He beat my ass. I dropped out of college and moved back home after this.
20. I've been arrested twice, both times on account of drugs. I face up to 3 years and 8 months if i mess up again. The first time i went I spent a day. The second time two weeks, orange PJ's and all. I got along well with the inmates.
21. The first time I've ever been constipated was in jail, because I was afraid of the steel toilet.
22. I'm still on probation but I get off in September. My felonies will be off my record too.

Me now

23. Fuck drugs. I've been clean for more than 6 months. I smoke the occasional joint.
24. I still have dreams about that shit though. Damn monkey won't get off my back and I have those nights where I have to muster up everything in me to tell myself no.
25. I like to drink but I never know how my body will react to alcohol. I have Asian Glow, which means my face turns extremely red when i drink. Pepcid AC helps cure this.

Enough of that

26. Even at the lowest of times I'm able to keep a smile across my face.
27. I feel that I am very in tune with the world around me.
28. Sometimes so in tune I feel detatched from other people.
29. My views usually differ from people so much so that I've learned to simply not give them anymore, unless someone asks or unless I'm on this blog. And even on this blog i try to spare you all.
30. I can get along with almost any group of people.
31. When I'm the center of attention, and when I'm trying to be funny, there is nobody else like me. I'm a funny motherfucker.
32. I have trouble conversing in groups of people sometimes because too many voices are hard for me to follow so I just say nothing at all.
33. I'm best when I'm 1on1 with someone. People say they can really let their guard down around me. I'm good at forming close-knit relationships. I am 100% drama free.
34. When a girl likes me, she always has to really really like me.
35. That scares me sometimes.
36. Alot of people think I'm really dumb because I often go about my life in child-like amusement.
37. I feel that I am more secure with myself than most people my age. I know for sure I know myself better than most people will ever know themselves.
38. Sometimes I just really want someone to understand me. And I want her to be attractive.
39. I will marry her.
40. Women. I have a fairly pathetic sexual past. I blame marijuana and overprotective parenting, along with bad luck, my own pussiness, a goodguy appearance, and having a bunch of friends who were hotter than me.
41. I do however, at least have a sexual past.
42. It started for me in the 8th grade bathroom. Nobody told me I should close my eyes when I kissed. I was slurping away with my eyes bulged out like a fish, and the girl told me to close them. She was a good teacher.
43. I have an undeniable feminine side. I acknowledge it and i'm in touch with it. I would never, however, "experiment" with my sexuality because swinging that way isn't my bag baby.
44. I am however, mesmerized by how good looking Brat Pitt is.

Philo-sophy

45. I have no concept of regret.
46. I believe there should be no obsessing over the shoulda/woulda/couldas, because they never coulda/woulda happened in the first place.
47. This technically makes me a determinist.
48. I'll spare you on my feelings on Free Will, but the concept makes me cringe.
49. I can't stand judgemental people.
50. If someone told me I did drugs because I was weak willed, I might just have to punch them in the face.
51. I'd like to see them try to sort out their uncalled for urges that just won't go away.
52. Assholes
53. I hold absolutely no supernatural beliefs.
54. I am an extremely moraled person.
55. I think too fucking much.

More shit.

56. I was diagnosed with a severe case of attention defecit disorder.
57. I'm taking non-amphetamine based Stratera for it.
58. I works, more or less, but I still can hardly focus.
59. I get mad when people say ADD is over-hyped or a myth.
60. I understand psychology better than any other subject on the planet.
61. I cannot do math, never have, never will.
62. I never learned my times tables.
63. I can multiply by 2 and 5.
64. I got a 0.0 when I was going to college in Fullerton.
65. My gpa is about a 1.3 right now.
66. I just don't give a shit.
67. I'm starting to now and the medicine is helping.
68. Before I lost it all to drugs, I used to have one of the best bodies I've ever seen.
69. Now that I'm off drugs, I'm working right now to get that body back.
70. It will be mine.
71. No really. I used have the body of a Hane's underwear model. A guy once asked me to become a calendar butt model outside the gym.
72. I declined because I refuse to shave my ass hair.
73. I've had my appendix removed, it was my only time in hospital other than one time when i got stitches for crackin my head on a flower pot.
74. Stanely Kubrick is my favorite director.
75. It takes me forever to learn my lessons.
76. I wouldn't consider myself "wild" but I definately know how to have a good time.
77. I love being the center of attention.
78. Although I have a horrible habit of saying the first thing that pops into my head. It's usually some pretty twisted shit.
79. My first job was testing video games for Activision. It paid 9 bucks an hour.

And more.

80. I think I'll be a dream fucking husband and an ideal father.
81. I want a boy and a girl.
82. I still don't know what I want to do with my life and I have bad competance issues.
83. I think i just need to get out into the world more.
84. Understandably I've had alot of hold backs.
85. I just don't give a shit.
86. I feel very attatched to all people. I like saying hi to strangers.
87. I am the most outgoing hermit you will ever meet.
88. I'm a tad bit shy, extremely introverted, but somehow I know so many goddamn people.
89. I want people to dress sexy at my funeral.
90. I think people are most impressive when they act as if there's nobody to impress.
91. I think one half of being smart is answering questions, the other half is knowing to ask them.
92. I like to be underestimated.
93. I love my dad more than any person in the world. My mom is cool too.
94. I feel that I am most myself around women who I am not hitting on.
95. Guys brag too much and that pisses me off, although my lack of braggadocio has led to my next point.
96. I've been accused of being gay more than once in the past.
97. People tell me I don't give off a feminine vibe or anything, they're just surprised I don't fuck everything that moves and start to speculate.
98. I've fucked things that moved but I only tell close friends.
99. I know what people think I might be gay, so I'll say some real gay shit around them just to keep them guessing.
100. If I were gay, I'd like to think that I'm the type of person that would have come out of the closet by now.
101. Why am I so fascinated by homosexuality?
102. But I don't watch Bravo.

102 baby.

IDGAF

I was thinking today about the essence of the IDGAF. Pronounced id-gaf. Oh sorry, perhaps you're unaware of the IDGAF. IDGAF stands for I Don't Give A Fuck. I know the "A" technically shouldn't be there but for the sake of pronounciation I'll leave it. I have a poet's liscence - if you bust my balls about it I might just have to bleed you, real quietly, leave you here. Got that?

A certain wiseman commented on my lesbian post on how the IDGAF ideology applied to attracting females.

"The "I don't give a fuck" is very hard to fake and is also very different from the "Ignore." You must become one with the concept of not caring about shit. Mantras like "Whatever" or "It's casual" will help. Be not an active non giver of the fuck as in, "Fuck that bitch", instead project the mindset of, "I could fuck that OTHER bitch."

Indeed, I need to say no more.

But the beauty of the IDGAF is that it does so much more that get two potential chipmunks laid. It applies to many things, take this blog for example. I Don't Give A Fuck. I care of course. This blog adds a dash of color and sunshine to my day. It is the the two scoops of raisins in my bran flakes. It is my mama bird regurgitating the remains of a worm into my joyful little beak. But of course, IDGAF. I mustn't. What kind of blog would this be if I said, "No Greg, you mustn't talk about choking the beef or the stretch capacity of your anus, people have feelings and you must be gentle". How could I sleep with myself at night? I'd have to down a bottle of Tylenol PM just to sleep, all because I gave The Fuck.

Besides, I Don't Give A Fuck if you read me or you don't. Stop reading me, see if I care. I"ll still be the hipness. I'll still be cool. Go ahead and leave. (Doesn't that make you want to read me so much more? No? Well... it should)

What about if The Beatles gave a fuck? Helloooo, Revolver is only like, the greatest album ever made. Made precisely when they went to India, dropped their pop appeal, and stopped giving The Fuck. I love The Beatles lemme tell you. I'm suprised nobody accused them of being aliens for having such a gifted ability to write music from another world. And when I wake up my hair kinda looks like theirs. But my nose isn't big. Lots of them had big noses, or maybe that was just Ringo. He was always the outcast of the group, because drummers get no love. Actually they can and whatnot, I guess Ringo was just a bit ugly. What was I talking about again? I dunno, I don't give a fuck.

That was a cheesey attempt at coming full circle.

Beautiful Creatures

As a student I have plenty of objections to my school, as with any institution. They sell more parking permits than they have parking spots, the classes are too big, the students hardly have a voice, the list goes on. I throw up my hands to all of this, there is nothing I can do as an individual and to be quite honest, I don't feel strongly enough about any of these matters to do anything about it. But there is one problem that I am quite bitter about, and willing take to my grave if I must. The toilet paper in the bathrooms really rub me the wrong way. Quite literally.

And its not as if my ass is fragile. It has a decent capacity to stretch, it can resist alot of wear and tear. I've passed honkey donkey turds that had me nervous, as if they were unpassable and would become stuck inside me forever. I've passed turds that felt like they were wrapped up in sandpaper, I'm sure you all have too. It's no secret that at times, the act of defication is an arduous, sweat filled journey, so when it comes time to bring this journey to an end, I'd like the soft embrace of wholesome fiber on my asshole. Not a toilet paper that has chunks of sequoia tree still in it. Is this so much to ask? Fuck you SMC bathrooms, shitting on public toilets is hard enough.

But of course you women have no idea what I'm talking about. Females do not engage in such acts. Women do not shit, never have, never will. They pee only if you'd like them to. And it astounds me really, how you beautiful, beautiful females can eat food just like I do, but skip the entire process that men must burden. It all just dissapears right? The molecules simply break down and fly to the very heavens you came from. Beautiful really. I shan't get into the science of it all, but nature truly takes care of you, my beautiful darlings.

Lesbian.

I'm a mirror checker. Every mirror I see I gotta look at myself, and if there's no mirrors around, a tinted window with good reflective properties will do. Because in my head I can never exactly picture myself, so after a while I start forgetting what I look like. I have to look in the mirror as a reminder. Then it's like yeah, I know you, and if nobody is looking I'll snap my fingers and direct two finger-cannons towards my reflection. I kid. But I have made out with my own reflection in a lake. He was a bad kisser - too much saliva and no tongue.

Okay that thing about reminding myself was a lie, I just like looking at myself in the mirror. Because I love art. Ahahah I kid. I don't love art I just like looking at beautiful shit.

But today I was peeing in the bathroom at SMC. I put my cock back inside my pants and zipped up my fly, then i flushed the toilet. I turn around and I see this dude come in who is just... just ugly. Screw plastic surgery this guy needed a cranial transplant. Hey, since I have nothing but beautiful readers, lets all take a moment together to laugh at this guy. Hahahaha you're ugly and there's nothing you can do about it! What a nice chuckle.

Anyways, what I saw next had me standing in disbelief. He comes in, looks in the mirror, leans backwards, forwards, side to side - ya know, to get different angles, nods, and leaves. Homeboy came into the bathroom to check himself out in the mirror and left! He didn't have to urinate, nor did he attempt to pretend to urinate as if to front that his trip to the bathroom had a different purpose. He didn't even wash his hands. He simply checked the mirror and left. I'm sorry, checked the mirror, NODDED, and left. I'm standing there thinking, what the fuck does this guy see when he looks in the mirror? Are there dandelions and lollipops sprouting up in the background? Quazimoto must be seeing shit.

But who am I to judge, I've done the same exact thing. I've been to the bathroom before with the intent of looking into the mirror, but at least I blew my nose or squirted out a little piss before I did. And plus my hair is an intricate part of my entire structure, if its slightly lopsided or out of place it may throw off the balance of my facial features, and I must maintain my synergy. So I groom. But with this guy, it wasn't his hair that was off balance, it was his entire face. It was a good chuckle.

Speaking about school and maintaining my good looks, I see LAFS tomorrow. I haven't really talked to her since the time I asked her to be in my study group, but I think we're grouping up tomorrow for class. So I must put on my game face. I pussed out on talking to her tuesday because she was talking to some dude after class and that made me sad so I walked to my car and cried. Just playing. I think that was her boyfriend though. Goddamnit. Hmm, what would Lunatic do? Besides fuck her anyways. I think I"ll go with the "I don't give a fuck" approach and if she ain't vibing with me on a sexual level, I'll call her a lesbian.

The SOUP!!!

Screw blogger! I can't even comment back in my own blog, so I gave in and added haloscan, becase blogger: I"M SICK OF YOUR SHIT! I fart in your general direction. All the comments from my previous post got erased, but my response will go here.

That Girl - Don't worry I won't become famous. Knowing me I'll probably end up as a construction worker or something. But you will still love me because on hot and sweaty summer days I will drink ice cold Pepsi with my shirt off.

Sex - I edited a few typos. They disturb me. It's like when the teacher erases the chalkboard but he misses as spot, and the whole time I'm just staring at the spot brooding with hatred and anger. It's like that.

Amber - I can't answer where the Big Bang came from, or how it banged, yet that is my point! Uncertainty. I can however be very critical of the concept of Intelligent Design. You don't need to answer back, and don't take any of it personally, I'm just a natural critic and a big meanie.

Here's my question about Intelligent Design.

How did God come about? How can one ask how the universe came about without asking how did God come about? I think its a double-standard to suggest that God is absolved from the very same First Cause necessitation that theists apply to the Big Bang. It frustrates me to see theists wash their hands from explaining how God came about, because within their paradigm it is taken on faith that He has no beginning and no end and therefore, He was not created because He already existed - viola, He needs no cause. But its part of the dogma that God has no beginning and no end, so how can this justify one's faith if its taken on faith? Circular reasoning.

Another bad line of reasoning is how people tend to ask "who created" as opposed to "what created". Why do we automatically assume a being? Perhaps it is because "how" is a much harder and perhaps unanswerable question. The theist avoids these complications by simply supposing a "who" instead - that an all powerful omniscient, omnipotentent, omnipresent being created existance with a "flick of the wrist" so to speak. I find this to be very supernatural and very hard to fathom.

I also feel that it's a poor use of reverse logic to ascribe those triple O's to this being simply because they are a preliminary necessitation in order for this Being to be able to create existance in the first place. The line of reverse reasoning being, "in order for A (God creating the universe) to be true, B (omniscience) and C (omnipotence) must also be true" This isn't building from the ground up. This is supposing what must be true in order for an invisible being to be the ultimate creator. So how did God gain his perfection? Who, what, how was perfection ascribed to him? Did he ascribe perfection to himself? Wouldn't he then need to be perfect in the first place in order to do such a thing - then we are back to square one.

But of course all these ontological problem are avoided because it is taken on faith that this Perfect Being is without flaw and has always existed, and perfection answers to nothing, so nothing is a problem. But then the nerve, for one who posits such a thing taken on faith to transfer the burden of proof on the non-theist to explain the First Cause, as if they had nothing to explain themselves!!! Because with faith the package is all so nice and tidy. No explaining necessary, at least not in the scientific sense, it only has to "make sense". It's all so intellectually irresponsible. Sorry haha, I don't mean to sound condescending but as you can see I think it's all rather ill-conceived.

Don't get me wrong Amber. I said you don't have to answer because I am not trying to test your faith or make you stick up for it because I applaud what you have. I am simply trying to show how I question things too fucking much before I can accept them.

***

So where did THE SOUP come from? In terms of the burden of proof, it is not my job to explain how the universe came about because I will readily concede the stance that such an explanation is beyond the realm of scientific knowledge or observation, at least at this moment. How the universe was created cannot be empirically observed or verified, so I must be content with uncertainty. I love uncertainty, but of course there is always hypothesis!

Scientists cannot sucessfully trace back to the exact moment of or before the big bang. The laws of physics simply break down, which makes sense because the laws of physics were conceived during the big bang. Anything before that can only be hypothesized about. Oooh theists love that. They can easily say God started it all. My personal view is that without physical laws to set boundaries, it's not unreasonable to suggest that there was boundless potential for occurance. Once again I see nature working itself out. Coincidentally, not too long ago, homeboy Stephen Hawkins confirmed my hunch.

If you get bored easily you can skip the next two paragraphs.

He proposed Quantum Theory. QT introduces a new idea, one of imaginary time. It may sound like science fiction but this is a genuine scientific concept. Quantum Theory, according to Stephen Hawkins, renders God unnecessary as the spark, or first cause, for the Big Bang. This has to do with imaginary time. One can picture imaginary time as follows. We think of ordinary time in linear terms, a horizontal line. On the left is the past and on the right is the future. But there's another sort of time in the vertical direction, which is called imaginary time, because its not the sort of time we experience everyday. Yet in a sense, it's just as real.

It's proposed that imaginary time is finite in extent, but without boundary. Kind of like the surface of the earth, but tack on another two dimensions. The earth has no boundaries right? You can travel across its surface and not fall off. In this same sense, there wouldn't be any boundaries in the imaginary time space-time. The absence of boundaries means that the laws of physics would determine the state of the universe uniquely, in imaginary time. Yes my padowans, this means that the laws of physics which allowed for the big bang worked themselves out. If the theory is correct. The math checks out, just can't be empirically observed.

I know i know, its hard for me to grasp as well. But that brings up a key point. Just because we can't understand all these scientific concepts that great minds rely upon and talk about doesn't mean in our lack of knowledge, we should rely on our very own conclusive parsimonies. In other words, why are we so inclined to fill our gaps on knowledge with supernatural concepts? We've been doing it for centuries. What's crackin Zeus?

Sometimes I think that people who believe in God are missing out on so much because they think they already have the answers. But as my homeboy S.H. once said, and I've never agreed with any quote more than this one, "The greatest enemy to knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge".

Amber, I am only certain in my uncertainty. Yes I take alot of things on faith, but there is a clear distinction between the extent of faith i apply (pragmatic faith) and spiritual faith!

But don't feel sorry for me. I'm happy as a bug. If i may be perfectly honest, it seems to me that the most fervent theists need their faith, as if it were a drug, and they can't imagine life any other way. They become egocentric and assume that their desire for God holds true for everybody. Well I can't imagine how certain people don't feel the urge to get fuckin plastered all the time but some simply don't, and for me to project my fondness of the spirits on them would only illustrate my inability to step outside my narrow world. And sometimes its not so much about seeing what others see but feeling what they feel as well.

I'm used to living without belief in a higher power, and if life is about finding purpose, who is to say that purpose and happiness are found solely through God? As if we didn't have emotions. As if i weren't entitled to feel appreciated without God. As if i weren't able to feel happiness as readily as the next man, or think puppies were cute.

But I could never explain my purpose in life to someone who's purpose in life is God. They are indeed a thickheaded bunch at times because they have seen "the light". I really want them to take their pity and shove it up their asses, because I have purpose whether they believe it or not (I'll update you on LAFS soon.. oh billy). And that's hardly even me saying what I truly feel sometimes. But I digress, because like i said, if i wanted faith, if i needed it that bad, i would get it. Why I don't feel that urge, who is to say. What I do know is that, at least for me, God isn't necessary for me to feel at peace with life, and i cannot stress that enough. Take it or leave it!

So what happens when I die?

I don't know Amber. My most reasonable guess is that everything will remain the same, except me. Don't believe in a soul neither. I wish, but i don't think.

Jasika - you say there HAS to be God, as if to say nothing makes sense if there wasn't. Or as if to proclaim an emotional want for the concept. But isn't that almost as if to admit, deep down, that a part of it has to do with wishful thinking?

But I'm sorry, I've beaten this subject to death with a stick. I will be back to my regularly scheduled programming. Unless something else comes up... But most likely I'll be back to my regularly scheduled programming.

Get comfy, This is It In a Nutshell

I was a young, cute, shaggy haired little altar boy, sitting left of the priest and looking out into the crowd, groggy and slightly pissed off for being woken up at the ass-crack of dawn to be on time for mass. Gotta serve that altar! Yeah right. I was fed up with being an altar boy. None of the other altar boys would show up, I did all the work, I was so damn loyal, I didn’t get paid, why the fuck was I there, and then I thought, “No really, why the fuck am I here, I don’t even believe in God.” For the first time I had consciously acknowledge my disbelief in God, ironically enough as an altar boy in mass. The revelation came to me kind of similar to when Christmas came around that one year - your presents still said ”From Santa” and for the first time ever you looked up at your dad as if to say, “Good one, jackass”.

So to classify myself, I think it was in the writings of Paul where he distinguished between two types of non-theists. There are those by wisdom and those by sight. Those by sight say, “I haven’t seen, therefore I do not believe”. Those are the dumber kind. Then there those by way of wisdom, who lack belief by way of reason. I am an atheist by wisdom; although it doesn’t help much either that I cannot see what so many have judged me for disbelieving. Grr.

I think it comes down to the simple descriptive fact that there are those who have faith and those that do not. And by faith I do not mean “faith” that my chair won’t break under my ass, I’m not heavy I’m actually quite fit so I’m justified in believing so. I’m talking about pure religious faith. I don’t have that. Not because I hate life and I can assure you I was never beaten as a child with a wooden cross. Instead, it’s a matter of giving my intellectual consent. I speculate that I was ready to give up my belief in God as a child so readily because I had no emotional attachment to the notion; I felt no overwhelming want for God and therefore no overwhelming desire to amend or rationalize what I saw as irrefutable incongruities within the entire framework of religion. Because I’ll be the first to admit it, if I wanted to believe, I totally could. We’re good at that.

But I feel that my lack of emotion towards religion brings me clarity and objectivity and this held true for me at a very young age. For example, as a child one of the things I thought was, “As a Christian going to heaven, aren’t I going to a Muslim’s hell? With so many religions out there, how can I be so sure?”. Through faith of course – but to have faith I must give intellectual consent to certain biblical and ontological booboos as if to say, that’s not a problem, I’ll believe anyways. I can’t do that.

Because can I really believe in something if deep down I feel it to not be true? Do we choose what we believe? I suppose a Christian must believe we do, they say belief is a choice all the time. But doesn’t belief merely fall upon us? Don’t our beliefs just align themselves with the way we view the world, and isn't how we view to world all too often too fundamental to change, or even want to change? That being said, here's how i view the world.

I see molecules, atoms, luck, probability, coincidence, evolution, biology, etc., I see a reality out there that is very real and not for the choosing. I see a universe so big and unfathomable, so unpredictable in nature that it is pure unadulterated hubris for anyone to say that God must have created it all, only to throw up their hands in a double-standard lockjaw when asked, “Who created God?” People look out into the world and see harmony as being the product of God. People see God in spider webs, hummingbirds, the clouds, humans, they can’t fathom how any of this could have come about without the help of God. Well not to sound like a jackass but I can.

I believe evolution to be the one underlying current, the one truth that defines and produces all of existence. Not just the theory but the concept. People tend to think of evolution in terms of how mankind got here, I say why stop there? Not just mankind but nature, the planets, the universe - its all constantly evolving. From a chaotic soup evolved the universe, from bacteria evolved mankind, and since existance is one ongoing process, this is the same to say that man evolved from chaotic soup. Unfathomable yes, I jerk myself to sleep thinking about this. But evolution gives the apparancy of being intelligent in design, and likewise indicative of intelligent design. I believe this is all an illusion. Evolution is the most intelligently dumb conceptual truth to ever exist.

Everything builds and therefore evolves from the ground up, nobody can/should argue with that. Start with very basic atoms and as time goes on they mingle and meet with other atoms. They do a little tango, intermix and stick shit in the right place, and suddenly what emerges is something more complex than what was before. It's really just simple functions coming together to form complexity, and while complex functions appear to be intelligently designed they are really just the outcome of nature's blind ongoing roll of the die in an attempt to land on what numbers are necessary for the equation to work. The product is harmony, because nature is math with a body.

With that in mind nature cannot make 2+2=6, nor can it make atoms form functions that are "unworkable" or against physical laws. Only what may work may exist, giving the appearance of harmony and likewise intelligent design. In other words, within this atomic tango, that which cannot “work” according to the laws of physics cannot exist in the first place for one to see it, so all that we are left with is what works, what is harmonious - that harmony you see when you look outside your window. Even chaos or what appears to be chaotic (because chaos is relative) is a catalyst for harmony. Fractals are pretty!

I have no problem seeing how complexity emerges from simplicity, or how harmony emerges from chaos. In the long run - bacteria to humans - it may be hard to surmise, but taken in small chunks its not. And the small chunks make up the big chunks, so why is it so hard to fathom? Complexity is born from simplicity, because it sure doesn't work the other way around. The baby doesn't give birth to the mother. The sheer "oneness" of this all makes me wet my boxers in my dreams.

So speaking of oneness, as far as life goes I only see different degrees and varying shades of life. Varying shades of everything for that matter. A plant is "conscious" in the sense that it will grow towards the sun, while a worm is "conscious" in the sense that it will wiggle if you cut it in half. A dog more conscious than the worm, us more conscious than the dog, because our complexities allow for higher functions - but we emerged from simplicity and still somehow connected to that dumbass worm. We're really just looking at varying degrees of existance and function. Nothing is cut and dry as most would think.

So I think existence just works itself out. Trial and error. Natural selection. That which works moves on to become even better, just like technology, just like our ever expanding intellects, I see evolution in everything.

Okay okay, who set off the Big Bang? Who knows. Why jump the gun and say God? Everything in nature works itself out, the universe is nature, catch my obscure drift? And I will say this - it is moot, pointless and absurd to argue and presuppose our laws of physics apply to a point in time before the big bang if our laws of physics and time were solidified at that very moment. Is it not? WE CAN”T KNOW WHAT CAME BEFORE! It rubs my bejoogles the wrong way how certain people use Intelligent Design as a “scientific” reason to believe God must exist. ID IS NOT SCIENCE. So while theists grasp for certainty I point out uncertainty - that is science, and that’s the best I can do.

Shit, and howabout quantum physics for a lesson in uncertainty? Particles appearing and disappearing out of thin air, seemingly random in nature and reliant on no laws or principals? Or how about M Theory that describes 11 dimensions of existence, infinite universes all with different properties and we’re simply in one of the many. Suppose that theory is true, (the math checks out, just can't be empirically verified) then our existance here is no surprise and damn near inevitable. Suppose its not, on a basic level at least, why do so many suppose that all of existance is accounted for within this bubble we call a universe?

Sure, anything outside this realm looks like a fucking cartoon in my head but really, who says existance stops at the edge or anywhere at that? What lay outside these walls - after all, what is this universe expanding into? Nonexistance? That’s paradoxical. How can nonexistence exist without being existence in itself? Something must be beyond these walls, and what about beyond those walls? Where does it stop, or better yet, when?

Because in the beginning of it all, was it even possible for there to be absolute nonexistance? I really question whether nonexistance can exist without it being a state of existance in itself... And how can I even use the word "beginning" if time is only relative to our paradigm? What laws governed the universe before this particular one came about? Maybe existance has taken many forms, maybe physics have embodied many laws, maybe our universe is simply one of the many - a single link in an unending chain of events.

And I suppose a theist would say, “yeah yeah but where did all THAT come from”

But my overall point isn’t to say that God did not create the universe and everything in it. My point is only to present a myriad of possibilities to show why I personally do not believe God is necessary for existence. I stick to my naturalistic guns because consistancy is of great value to me. And yeah, usually people who don't believe in God are all into that "science" shit. Yeah those fuckers wanna be so damn smart. My theist friend told me the other day while discussing religion, "fuck your science". I love him. But he has to realize that some people can't leave their brain at the door so easily, and that's all i want religious people to admit - it DOES require leaving one's brain at the door in certain areas. I mean, how could it not, thats why it takes faith right?

So look at all the shit I wrote. Look at how this shit fires me up! I guess this is my religion, to use the term loosely.

But how did we get here? Fucking. That’s how we got here. Through lots and lots of fucking.

Come and get it while you can.

I love Christian folk, I really do. My best friend is a die-hard Christian. But sometimes they can really be a naive little bunch. I generalize of course, and I do not let a few bad seeds spoil the whole lot (Amber you're the epitome of what a good Christian is, I have so much respect for you). So to be honest, here's my main problem with religion - it takes too much rationalization, as with anything taken on faith. Faith for the sake of comforting spirituality, I'm fine with. Faith for the sake of discovering the truth, problems! Too bad its so hard to separate the two.

But I digress, because perhaps I'm the one with the problem. I view the religious thought process as being the quintessence of bad thinking, but who is to say this is such a bad thing? Yes, I prefer the mind to be unrestricted from doctrine, I would very much like to see the thoughts of society expand beyond the confines of dogmatic parameters and religious constrictions, beyond this childish fear of sin and divine punishment, and if we could only release this vice clamping down on the intellect of America, the world at that, I believe we would be living in a much better place. But maybe I put too much emphasis on good, clear, non-fallacious thinking for the sake of nothing. For example, I have this horrible habit of mentally pointing out other people's logical fallacies. Yes I know I'm so gay, I'll be sitting somewhere listening to someone talk and think to myself, "Yeap, he just committed an ad hominem fallacy. That boy must be fishing cuz he just pulled up a red herring! Geez way to scare the crows away with that strawman argument" har har! It's horrible really.

(I'm a nerd)

But as far as rationalizing goes, one thing that really makes me angry is when people turn correlations into causations, otherwise known as the post hoc fallacy (nerd). For example, I was talking to my friend the other day, I said, "yeah man, I used to goto Church for the hell of it. All my friends would go so i figured why not, plus it made my mom happy and I didn't want her to know I was an atheist. But you know what, as boring as it was, just seeing all my friends worshipping and being happy made me happy. I'd go home happy". He replied, "Ya know what? That was God you felt".

Excuse me? His response disturbed me but I very calmly said, "Can't I simply feel happy? I was feeling happy at my own birthday party, it was nice being surrounded by friends and seeing them have a good time. I felt happy at church for the very same reasons. Could it not be the slightest bit possible that you are confusing your emotions and mistaking them for God or the Holy Spirit simply because you are in a religious setting? Afterall, if you weren't in a religious setting you're just as capable of experiencing the joy you felt at mass, the only difference being that in a religious context, you're more opt to proclaim your emotional high as being directly inspired by God. Shit, what about those monks who meditate, they feel indescribable joy, a peace with the world, serenity beyond words, the mind is entirely capable of manifesting these feelings you may mistake for "God" I also added, "And don't tell me what I felt you motherfucker". It's all love between us.

His reply, "But God is responsible for our emotions"

My nerdy thought: Circular reasoning. He takes God as implicit and therefore responsible for everything, including our emotions.
My nerdy response: "Don't avoid the question bitch, and don't make me get into evolution." Beating around the bush... I can't stand it when people beat around the bush!

Another thing that disturbs me is how so many religious people seem to think that morality is rooted in religion. Morality is a plane and religion hijacked it. I'm bitter about this. What a fucked up wretched bunch of creatures we must be if the only thing preventing us from killing and raping each other is a fear of hell. And it really doesn't help people's outlooks on society much when the Bible says we're a bunch of dirty evil sinners from birth. It's a matter of focus, because we're also a beautiful, compassionate, loving union of beings who are capable of doing so much good, and that's what I prefer to focus on, despite people's stupidities.

And some of the shit the Bible says. Oh my, how can God be so jealous, despotic, sexist, and prone to murderous bouts of anger? Is it just me, or does anybody else get the feeling that Jesus came to save us from his Dad? But it's the typical Christian rationalization that sets me off, "God created us all, he has done so much for us, who is anybody to judge God for what he does?". I call this a case of Beaten Wife Syndrome (BWS). Sticking up for the abuser. I can judge, because as George Carlin says, "I have just as much authority as the Pope, just not as many people who believe it".

I’d prefer a world without organized religion, but that will never happen, so all that I ask is for people to extract a little bit more spirituality and a little bit less “truth” from religion. I mean really, lets update the times people. We're slaves to organization and structure, but lets not get so lazy as to affiliate ourselves with such intellectual convenience. We're only relinquishing what we revere most - our ability to think freely, to adhere to what has already been thought for us. I guess somewhere along the road towards fulfillment, we lost sight of our innocent intentions; we became sidetracked as our journey for meaning and purpose gave way to faith-based claims of truth that has pitted man against man for centuries. This wasn't the point of religion, but it has become the point. So I guess I'm forced to ask, what ever happened to that concept called spirituality? I guess it dissapeared when we were foolish enough to extract these so-called perennial truths from religion in the place of spiritual fullfillment. I guess it all shot to hell, when we started to consider faith as a viable means to obtain that oh so precious truth.

Uum, helloooo.

Apparently my parents want me to become fat and ugly. I was feeling particularly parched so about I go opening the refridgerator door for a bottle of water but to my surprise, there's nothing but soda. I just want a refreshing bottle of water, no thank you on the teeth corroding beverages, what is going on here? Now I've settled for one of my mom's Perriers. French carbonated water. There are two extra variables in that last sentence that I could have easily done without. But oh well, I shook it up and got rid of the carbonation because, wtf is up with that? Please French people, give me water that will make me burp after every sip, God forbid my liquid goes down smoothly. Shave your pits. Goddamn Frenchies, uuuuugh.

Sorry, and I being a stereotyper? A lumper? An ignoranus?

Well, it has been made known to me by a particular person in my class, that I have no tact. I thought I was easily digestable and charming but apparently no. I lack tact. A Middle Eastern man in my ethical philosophy class told me this because I was making fun of Middle Easterns. I don't think I said anything untrue, PERHAPS out of line, I tend to get riled up when speaking in front of people, but everybody ELSE thought it was funny. I said they needed to burn the Qu'ran because Jesus is obviously better than Mohommed, and that they dance funny and need to add more sexual thrusts and curvatures to their movement because they are obviously a stiff, I mean "un-stiff" bunch, and it shows in their fanaticism. The "un-stiff" part just came to me on the spot, it hit hard on the funny meter. Was I so wrong?

Goddamn these people that get offended. My ignorance is my problem, nobody else's! So why do people get offended? Must be the hemmorhoids. I swear, I've never been offended in my life, I don't even know what being "offended" means. Is it an emotion? Does it hurt? "Wow Greg, you should really try to be more sensitive to other people's feelings". Shutup.

I love making fun of other people's cultures. Everybody is so tolerant of other people's ways of going about things. They'll try to get all smart about it. "Well, philosophically speaking morals are relative to each and every culture, blah blah blah" fucking CAN IT! I understand that argument but here's a list of things that will make your culture a happier place. Don't eat dogs, definately don't eat each other, have sex, don't dress your women up in moomoos with hoods that cover their entire face, chill out on Allah, let homosexuals sodomize and marry, don't cut someone's arm off for stealing a loaf of bread, don't chop someone's dick off because they had sex with your neighbor's cow, etc. But people try so hard to be tolerant that they'll tolerate some pretty crazy shit, because after all - cultural relativity Greg, hellooo! It's all relative! Shut the fuck up.

Madam, I'd Like to Ravage You.

Sorry, yes I know it has been a while since I've posted. So what? So so suck my toe, all the way to Mexico. This is my blog, not yours. I can post whenever I feel like it. I'm not being a child. Children don't write with such proficiency. I'm simply letting you all know who's boss. Now say my name, bitch.

Now I'm sure you're all aware of my aversion towards girly man talk, but I'm pondering this whole "love at first sight" thing. This is because I met a girl today that really gave my cock a jerkin'. She was damn. And I mean daaaamn. No offense Sex, the biggest portion of my heart still belongs to you, and That Girl you have a peice too, and so do you Amber, and could I ever forget Jasika? But this girl had me eeeguuhbl. And I mean eeeguuhlabaahhbll.. Bright green eyes, raven black hair, big pouty lips, like a more hispanic version of Angelina Jolie. But here's the kicker, she wasn't even all that fine.

I mean, she was fine, but not eeeeguhblababa fine. Not speechless fine. But she had me speechless anyways. And it is this quality that I'm trying to put my finger on.

She's in my sociology class and when I first saw her I thought, "damn if me and that girl ever gotsta talking we'd probably hit it off". I got a feeling that she had that kind of personality that dug my kind of personality. It was like no words, just emotions. No words, just emotions. I felt it. And today I was feeling the fire so I was like damn guhl you fine, I must advance. I asked her to be my partner to go over a chapter or some shit. She had this sort of intimidating aura about her, like she could break me like a twig. And I liked that. I liked that alot.

I wanted to ravage her on top of the desk right there and then. I don't know what stopped me from doing so. Maybe the fact that getting bare-ass naked and going "here kitty kitty" is considered a fopau in most cultures. Now, why the hell am I talking about some girl I have a pansy little crush on? In love with, mind you. Because I hardly ever get sprung so quickly over girls. It takes build-up for me. It takes time for my love to grow. Like a chia pet it must be nurtured, so its green follicles may sprout and show their true splendor. So it's really had me questioning this whole love at first sight thing. And such gay shit is not what I typically do.

Because I realize that it wasn't pure lust I felt, and I realize that it wasn't love I felt either. But I did feel like I wanted to marry this chic first things first, and let our love that would most surely blossom do so after the fact. So it was like, for suuure potential love at first sight. I didn't even imagine myself fucking her. I just want to... I just wanted to fall asleep on one of her boobies.

Too bad for me she told me she has a boyfriend. But that's not stopping me from chasing this one. She shall be mine. Oh yes, she shall be mine. Muahahahaha.

Sleeeeeep

Everybody is talking about how the blogger commentbox has been a bitch lately, so I'm gonna be a rebel, I"m gonna be different, I"m not even gonna mention it. Howabout that. Wait I just mentioned it. DAMNIT. My tactic was self-defeating.

No more shall be said.

Instead I'm going to talk me. Me me me. How am I doing, you may perhaps be inclined to ask. I am doing well. Or, to cater to what hispanic readers I may have, I am doing bueno. To all my Chinese readers, I have the many excellent. And let me tell you why. I feel like a brand new person.

No longer will my age posess a -teen prefix. Nope. I'm moving up to the -enties. The big Two Zero to be exact. That's 20 for all my dislexic readers. Saturday night when the clock strikes twelve you can add another octave to my voice, tack on another inch to my manhood, I'll be twenty... And I've already started celebrating. I'm pretty crunked right now.

But I'm not drunk enough for typos. This post will not be one of drunken, careless abandon. I have nothing but quality for you folks. And I hope you expect nothing less from me. Are you enjoying this post so far? I am. I hope I don't read it tomorrow and ask myself what the fuck was I thinking. Because I'm totally in the zone right now, I'm feeling total Gregness all across the board. I'm also feeling way sleepy and horny, so its time for me to give it a triple pumper and catch some slumber. Goodnight Children.

Hello Children.

I'm sick, i feel like human regurgitant, I'm too sick to wack off, you all know what that means. It's time for me to express some anger. Put your hand on my forehead, you feel that heat? That's not a fever, that's anger. Or perhaps my anger exacerbated my fever.

ex·ac·er·bate ( P ) Pronunciation Key
tr.v. ex·ac·er·bat·ed, ex·ac·er·bat·ing, ex·ac·er·bates

To increase the severity, violence, or bitterness of; aggravate: a speech that exacerbated racial tensions; a heavy rainfall that exacerbated the flood problems.

Hmm, so to what humans, to which ideal will I express my anger towards today, because I'm finding it rather difficult to tell the bacterium responsible for my sickness just how much hate their little microscopic bitchasses. Fuckin' lil' germs all trying to multiply on me like this was 6th grade, I hope they get it up the ass from some homosexual amoebas.

Well, since I'm angry, who better to talk about than overly optimistic pansy fucks with a handbag full of idealistic cliches. Perhaps that is a bit narrow, I'll call these people "optimists", technically "idealists", and use the two words interchangeably for now. Yes, I'm a pessimist, I have a natural aversion to the overly optimistic, but I assure you there is a rational reason for this. First of all, I'm not talking about people who merely have a good outlook on life - that would be me. I'm a pessimistic optimist but i'll get to that later. I'm talking about the type of people who say, "follow your dreams and your wildest wishes will come true!". All these people need to sit on their thumbs and giggle.

I understand I'm not like everybody else, but I also understand that words such as "dreams" and "wishes" should never be uttered in the same sentence, nor should they ever be used in a symbolic context unless one is writing poetry, and even then, cliche my friend, cliche. I hate overly symbolic people, but I won't go there because I am a caring, understanding and non-judgemental person. So I'll leave those queers to lisp silly billy sentiments amongst each other while they smear aloe vera over their war-torn assholes in preparation for round two of "Who can Find the Chocolate Dingleberry?"

But I have no problems with homosexuals, so if that was the only reason for my disdain towards symbolic/idealistic people, I'd be a bigot. There's another reason why i hate pansy talk, and this gets a bit theoretical so bear with me. See, I doubt anybody would be spouting off excessive idealism if they didn't live by it, or more specifically, need it. So, who's truly optimistic in this sense, the pessmistic or the idealist? There is the true pessimist, neither a depressive nor a cynic, who does not dwell but simply points, who's unabashed realism is so often confused with negativity, or you have the idealist, who hides amongst gay cliches and anal. Who is happier? Who I say unto you? The pessimist, who can stand his ground in light of life's shortcomings and point them out in almost child-like amusement, or the ignorance-is-bliss optimist who uses his pansy talk as an emotional crutch, who wants to rub tanning oil all over Richard Simmons. Who?

The pessimist wins and ironically enough, is thereby made an optimist in a technical sense for having a better, happier overall outlook. Conversely the psuedo-optimist is as fragile as his own hemmorhoids, and is thereby made a pessimist on account of his heavy reliance on optimism, which he tries to think but cannot feel.

So in short, the only way to be a true, happy individual is to be both a pessmimist and an optimist. One who, all semantics aside, sees both ends of the spectrum and can consequently walk the middle road, or heck, wherever the fuck he chooses. So I guess in all technicality, I'm an optimist, and i don't take it up the Hershey Highway.

Urine in the snow, Urine on the streets. Urine.

My brain feels like a cold bowl of chicken noodle soup. My body feels like it was shat out of a donkey's ass. I don't remember half the things I did this weekend, all I know is that I think I'm drooling right now. Yeap, just felt some dribble run down my chin. I'm too tired to keep my mouth completely shut and my neck is too tired to hold my head completely upright. Even the bead of saliva was tired, it was dripping down rather apathetically. I'm feeling good though. Just like being spanked by an 85 year old grandma with pruney tits poking out of a black leather bondage suite, this is good pain. The pain of a successful weekend of bodily abuse, all in the name of fun.

First things first, I pissed my name in the snow once again at Big Bear Mountain. The territory is marked, the mountain belongs to me, and if anybody tries to step up i'll make them eat my yellow snow. Right when its fresh and still steaming. Onto the drinking. It was night so we headed from the mountain down to Fullerton where an old buddy of mine was throwing a kickback/party. He had a keg and I had a cup. Now, usually I'm pretty good at knowing when to stop drinking, but last night I guess you could say I was in a bit of an experimental mood. I was trying to play this game with myself, it was called "I Don't Want to See Straight Anymore".

What, were you expecting a story? Sorry, it was the end of the story for me - that's my story. I was done. Out. Fucked up. My eyes were blurred and my words were slurred. I think I had fun, I hope I had fun, but the tree fell in the woods and I wasn't around to hear it. It was the first time I've ever been so drunk, and I managed to keep it all in, thanks to some Chaser pills I bought from Sav-on. THEY WORK!!

Damn was I trashed though. For me, being inebriated is like having an outer body experience in the sense that when I drink, I'm trying to kick Greg out his body because he's always worried about being embarassed, or telling me I shouldn't say this or that. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror and tripping out because it felt like there was nobody inside me, and when I look at other drunk people, I don't see a human. Instead, I see a robot. And they're all inevitably programmed towards party fouls like puking in the tub because the toilet was a hard target, or peeing on the floor because the toilet was a hard target, or passing out on the floor because the couch was too far of a target...

But I'm way tired now, time to hit the sack. Drink up, children.

Queshuns.

I love answering queshuns. Sex gave me a whole list of queshuns. Here i go!

1. Is finding a significant other important to you? How would it change you?

I've never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but my mind usually ends up in a big pile of vomit on the floor. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but in general I'd say I have this underlying longing to be understood. And nothing feels better than being understood, to the bone, by an attractive female. A fine muhfuckin dime. Because to be honest, sometimes understanding me is like looking at a Picasso painting and trying to figure out what the fuck this guy was thinking, and what drug he was on when he thought it. I'm good at leaving my brain at the door around people, but as a consequence sometimes i really just need someone to share it with.

So I've always been a girlfriend sort of guy. A female undestanding and respecting the authority of my dick simply isn't enough. I want a bond. I want to get naked and prance around with her through the sprinklers, then roll around in the grass and laugh, and laugh, then start fucking. But as far as having something mutual, I could imagine myself changing as far as priorities go, perhaps become a bit more responsible, but the last thing I'll ever be is a whipped bitch. Puppy-eyed maybe, but not a bitch!

2. Reincarnation? What would/did make you believe? Do you think you have past lives?

I don't believe my "gregness" has transcended the ages. I wish I was a chinked out samurai shooting flaming arrows off the great wall of China but alas... Reincarnation seems to be reliant on the concept of the soul, which I don't believe in either. I like to remain agnostic on most unanswerable questions, but for ones i don't think should be begged in the first place, such as God, reincarnation, the soul, I tend to disbelieve in them. So as far as having a soul, or reincarnation, I have to wonder why people believe in these concepts in the first place, other than the fact that they're conventional ideas which have been floating around throughout the ages, accepted throughout the ages, and given validity by-the-numbers as a result. But fuck, being a samurai sounds totally cool.

I guess I'm a skeptic at heart. I'm fairly good at breaking things down and figuring out whether I should mentally masturbate on the topic or not, and I jerked off to the concept of a soul and reincarnation, but with no tangible material to build on, I had a hard time busting a nut. Scientifically speaking.

3. What will your life be like when you're fifty? Ideally? Likely reality?

Ideally my dick will still be hard as steel and fully functional. I would like a wife, two kids - one boy, one girl - a family dog named Buster, and a wife with darkish brown hair and green eyes. Her name will be Eliana. We will live in a modest two story house despite my wealth. I don't like walking and a massive house requires much of that. At my job I will be well known, not only for my benevolance but my leadership capabilities. People will ask me things and I will tell them the answer, and I will get paid for doing this.

Realistically speaking... Hmm I'm just seeing just one big blur. But the color of the blur is blue, with a slight gray tinge.

4. If you had to pick a past period of time (fifty years ago or more) to back and live, when would it be?

I'd like in the 1950's. Wasn't the economy all booming and shit? Less STDS. Good music. Fine ladies rollerskating to my car and serving me a burger with wholesome side of fries made out of fresh potatoes. Wait wait, did they have condoms back then? I hope. If so. Totally 1950's. If not, whenever condoms were invented.

5. Some life/spiritual theories hold a "matrix-like" reality as truth - we are not really here but it's the best our puny brains can come up with. Does this ring true for you?

Hell no that is some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Haha just playing. But really though, that is some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Sounds like a bunch of dreamers who forgot they were dreaming if you ask me. If someone said there was a chimp waiting to hand me a beer when I opened the fridge, I'd tell them they were fucking stupid. Because there's no reason to think it. Same here. I need reasons to believe, not just belief with a reason building up to it after the fact, or no reason at all. Sounds like the reason for this belief lies in the fact that someone smoked too much pot and thought it sounded "way trippy... bro. Pass the quesadilla".

Granted, I realize that my perception of what is real is hindered insofar as my brain's capacity to perceive it. We only perceive visible rays of light, but there's gamma rays, microwaves, etc that we can't see. So what else are we missing? Can science capture it all? I don't believe so. But I don’t believe reality is for the choosing, what’s there is there, and carving out beliefs based on sheer willfulness, or lack of understanding, is something I’m very careful not to do.

Sorry guys, really sorry. Didn't mean for this to be so long. I tried to spare you but these hands... Fucking kept on typing. But just to keep this ball rolling, who wants some queshuns?!

Fuck Phones

Okay I've figured it out. It's not just people talking on their cell phones that gets me pissed off. It's people talking on the phone in general. I think its the concept of listening to a one-sided conversation. I don't like the concept of listening to a one-sided conversation. All my brain juice is involuntarily used up in trying to figure out what is being said on the other side as if this were all a big fucking puzzle, and I hate puzzles. I say this all because I'm listening to a non-cell phone conversation right now, and it's making me want to... I dunno i just feel anger. Copious amounts. And the person on the phone doesn't know he's making me angry, which makes me even angrier. One top of that, the person on the phone (my father) is laughing right now.

"Ahahahaha, thats so funny that sounds like him", he is saying.

Who the fuck is "him" and what the fuck is so funny? Fill me in on the comedy. I'm not getting any vicarious pleasure out of hearing someone laugh if I'm not in on the goddamn joke. It makes me feel like I"m in elementary school and someone just whispered something funny in someone else's ear and I'm watching in like, "Whats so funny guys? Guuuys, what's so funny?" And then they laugh at me and make a zipping motion with their hands across their lips. And they laugh at me. They laugh, they laugh, THEY LAUGH!!!

It's distracting even if there's nothing to distract me from. It just so happens that I'm trying to blog about being distracted by telephone conversations while i'm listening to a telephone conversation and being distracted. And I'm pretty sure this post sucks because I'm damn near typing on autopilot. Fuck phones. What ever happened to letter writing? Fuck phones.